Brand New Start

I hooked up with another girl. M brought me to a party at one of his friend's houses, the place was amazingly huge and she even had a bar which was awesome. We mixed a few drinks, turned up the music, one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in bed making out. I don't know whether I do it because I enjoy it or because I want to make AS jealous. I think I've fallen back in love with her again, but I can't even tell if that's because I am scared she'll find someone else or because I really, truly want to be with her and take care of her.

She asked me if she should start dating this guy she's been hanging out with, and it really hit home. I mean, I totally thought it was a given that eventually she would fall in love with me and be mine...but I am less and less certain of that all the time, and part of it is definitely my fault. I have been such a prick to her, for no good reason, and I wish I could take it back. She said that before she left for LA the last time that she was so close to being my girlfriend...but then I changed and said some really terrible things to her when she got back. I'm trying to be nicer, I am, I just hope that it's not too late...she's different from the scared, lonely girl I met a year ago. She's grown up in many ways, I have so much respect for her because of that...last weekend she was on national TV, modeling makeup. That has been her dream, forever, to be a model, and she actually went out and did it. It's absolutely unreal. I'm trying hard to find a point where I can be her friend, and let her trust me and be a part of my life, but it is so incredibly hard to do that without falling for her again. I can't be so intimate with someone who is offering no commitment in return...if it doesn't work out it will just hurt too much.

I've been drinking again...I haven't actually been drunk but I've had alcohol in me since last time I wrote about it. I know I made a promise...does this make me an alcoholic or something? I feel so torn between my faith; a commitment that I've made to Jesus to do my best and live up to his expectations, and my life. For the past 5 years I've been living one way, and now I'm trying to turn that almost completely around, which I suppose is what being a Christian is all about, but it is hard to do. I fail almost constantly. It's getting to the point where it's almost discouraging...I try not to swear as much, I try to avoid drinking or being petty or gossiping or all of those other things that I think aren't the best decisions even for non-Christians to make, but I still seem to slip up all the time.

The only thing to remember is that I am forgiven. I really need to figure out my tattoo idea, I want something permanently on my body to remind me that I am in this world but not of it...and I need to show that.