Call to Arms

Angels and Airwaves is, in my opinion, one of the most criminally underrated bands in the modern music scene. People are so afraid to open up to something new, that they dismiss it as crap the second they hear it. It took me awhile to open up to Tom DeLonge's new band, especially after being such a huge Blink182 fan for almost 10 years now. Once I did, I realized that AVA really is something special...someone trying to create something truly unique and amazing in a scene that's plagued by repetitive and overused cliches. Unbelievable stuff. I'm listening to I-Empire as I write this and it's quite possibly a contender for album of the year.

The Truth is you Should Lie With Me

Whoops, we hooked up again.

And she's dating D. Well, not dating him, she called it a trial run. And then she broke down crying saying I wasn't supposed to know about it until I left for UMD, because she was afraid she would lose me.

I suppose I should go back and start at the beginning.

On Thursday, I noticed that her and D had both removed being single from their profiles within minutes of each other. Friday night, we headed over to B's house to drink a little and just hang out, most of my friends were at Butler visiting S. B was all over her and she was pretty cuddly, but that was it. AS got really drunk and ended up having a complete meltdown in the car on the drive home, screaming about how she hated her life, her family thought she was a failure, her uncle died on Wednesday and she wasn't going to be able to go to his funeral to say goodbye, her sister treated her like crap and talked about her behind her back...and how she missed TB.

She was also mad because I called her out on cuddling with B when she's told me more than once that she likes D. It turned into a huge fight, mostly because she was drunk out of her mind at that point and got really defensive. We got back to her house and she was just sobbing in the driveway, it was probably the worst I've seen her since last summer...it was actually really scary. Eventually I got out of the car and just went over to the passenger side and held her as hard as I could. She finally calmed down and we both went inside, I told her I'd keep her company as long as she needed me too...one thing lead to another.

We were talking after and throughout the night she had been getting texts from D. I called her on that too and she finally admitted that they were dating "on a trial run." She told him she was still so in love with TB, and she never wanted to hurt me. That made me more angry than anything, I think, that she would put off a good thing with D...for what, exactly? So she could keep not dating me? I don't even think I'd want to date her anymore, so it would be better if she was dating someone else anyways.

She kept saying that she would lose me, that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that she wishes more than anything that we were dating. She was sobbing again by this point, and I don't even know why. It doesn't really make sense, it's nice to know that she cares but if the right girl comes along for me I'm not going to blow her off so I can keep waiting for AS...

I swear, God is probably the only one in the whole flippin' universe who knows how this will end.

In Rainbows

I cannot wait until the new Radiohead album hits tomorrow. It's bands like that are going to save modern music. For those of you who haven't heard about it, the new album is called "In Rainbows" and is being released online as a digital download as well as a box set. The catch is that you can pay as much/little as you want for it. It's going to be interesting to see how this pays off for them, but I think it will work because anyone who will bother going through the site is a Radiohead fan anyways, so they're willing to pay at least some money for it.

The box set is for the true fans. It costs 40 GBP, or about 80 USD, and contains the album on vinyl, as well as an artbook and the album on CD. Pretty cool stuff, I hope this pays off for them because they're already one of the most creative and talented bands around. If anyone deserves to have a risk work out for them, it's Radiohead.

Fell In Love Without You

Nothing much to report in the past few days, I still am just taking it as it comes with AS. She seems to be getting closer to D, but it doesn't bother me. He's already been through this with other girls, multiple times, and I warned him about her, so I don't know what he's doing but he will get sick of her.

In the past ten days or so she's made multiple references to us dating, in a 'what if?' sort of way. I've shot her down every time, as nice as I could, but I just don't want to give her the impression that whenever she's done with her other boy toys that I will still be conveniently waiting for her.

Because I won't be.


P.S. Relient K in 12 days!

Brand New Start

I hooked up with another girl. M brought me to a party at one of his friend's houses, the place was amazingly huge and she even had a bar which was awesome. We mixed a few drinks, turned up the music, one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in bed making out. I don't know whether I do it because I enjoy it or because I want to make AS jealous. I think I've fallen back in love with her again, but I can't even tell if that's because I am scared she'll find someone else or because I really, truly want to be with her and take care of her.

She asked me if she should start dating this guy she's been hanging out with, and it really hit home. I mean, I totally thought it was a given that eventually she would fall in love with me and be mine...but I am less and less certain of that all the time, and part of it is definitely my fault. I have been such a prick to her, for no good reason, and I wish I could take it back. She said that before she left for LA the last time that she was so close to being my girlfriend...but then I changed and said some really terrible things to her when she got back. I'm trying to be nicer, I am, I just hope that it's not too late...she's different from the scared, lonely girl I met a year ago. She's grown up in many ways, I have so much respect for her because of that...last weekend she was on national TV, modeling makeup. That has been her dream, forever, to be a model, and she actually went out and did it. It's absolutely unreal. I'm trying hard to find a point where I can be her friend, and let her trust me and be a part of my life, but it is so incredibly hard to do that without falling for her again. I can't be so intimate with someone who is offering no commitment in return...if it doesn't work out it will just hurt too much.

I've been drinking again...I haven't actually been drunk but I've had alcohol in me since last time I wrote about it. I know I made a promise...does this make me an alcoholic or something? I feel so torn between my faith; a commitment that I've made to Jesus to do my best and live up to his expectations, and my life. For the past 5 years I've been living one way, and now I'm trying to turn that almost completely around, which I suppose is what being a Christian is all about, but it is hard to do. I fail almost constantly. It's getting to the point where it's almost discouraging...I try not to swear as much, I try to avoid drinking or being petty or gossiping or all of those other things that I think aren't the best decisions even for non-Christians to make, but I still seem to slip up all the time.

The only thing to remember is that I am forgiven. I really need to figure out my tattoo idea, I want something permanently on my body to remind me that I am in this world but not of it...and I need to show that.