Wasting Time

Gah, I hate stuff like this. She always does this.

I got out of class early, called her first, regretted it right away and started calling other people to hang out. Got a hold of L and decided to go over there and just hang out, which was really fun. I wasn't hungry but if I was, I could've basically eaten her whole kitchen cuz she kept offering me stuff. We were watching South Park and this super creepy documentary on baby snatchers when AS called. She wanted me to leave L's early so we could watch Snatch. Mistake one: I said yes. I left around 9:10, when I could've waited until at least 9:45 and spent more time with L which is sort of what I've been trying to do all summer, the no car thing is not helping though.

Mistake two: I let her start talking to my sister. They talk for like 20 minutes, then we get to the living room and she starts talking to my mom...more time wasted. Then my neighbor shows up and they start talking. We get halfway through the movie and she says she has to go.

I left the girl I like early, to see a girl I don't like, to watch a movie that we didn't even fucking watch.

What the hell am I thinking? Why didn't I just say no when she called earlier?

Wincing The Night Away

In the past month, 3 people, including myself, have gotten DUIs. Talk about a bad streak of luck...all last summer with no problems, and I definitely shouldn't have been driving a couple of those nights, and now this in just one month. They're definitely cracking down hard.

I got a call from TB at 7:15 this morning and went to go pick him up from the sheriff's office. We went out to breakfast and had a long, very interesting chat about AS. It was funny because when I first met her I took her side on just about everything because I fell for her so hard. After spending so much time with her over the past 10-odd months, I can see why he left her and I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner than it did. She was basically dating another guy for the first couple months of their relationship, and he's a total creepo too. She had phone sex with him and she was always flirting with other guys. She talked on the phone for hours with her friends and made out with her (2nd) cousin...which is still ridiculous, they're blood related ffs.

Anyways, I'm rambling but I guess the point is I had a great time last night, went downtown with her and saw some friends, and she looked absolutely beautiful as usual. I'm just glad nothing happened.

You Can't Be Missed if You Never Go Away

Extremely busy with work and school lately, sorry about the lack of posting. Went to a huge party this weekend and I may have hooked up with someone but I blacked out so I don't remember...must remember not to drink so much next time.

I'm happy to report that I haven't seen AS since Thursday. She called this morning and wanted to talk because she couldn't sleep and hadn't seen me all weekend, but I was too tired so I blew her off. I may be going to Boston in a couple weeks and living in a friend's apartment while he's out of town. If I do I'll be there for all of July. She's pretty upset about that I think, because she might be in LA through mid-August so we won't see each other for a really long time. Honestly, I'll miss her but not like she'll miss me.

I love being over it.

Dear Valentine

Well I guess she didn't mean any of what she wrote, or any of the stuff she's been saying about him for the past month or so. What am I supposed to do? I don't think I'm in love with her any more...L coming home has really changed my expectations in a girl and made me realize that I can hope for something better, and that it's really not that hard to find.

All those things I said to AS though...I meant them, I really did. I've never felt this way about anyone before, but I can't see us working together. I'd be too pissed, and I don't care about half the things that bother her intensely. For example, she yelled at me for throwing bottles into the woods. Ok, I'm not one to dump trash on the ground intentionally but I'm also not going to lose sleep over throwing a few bottles into a forest, it was fun, I was a little pissed off at the time so it felt good. Lots of things like that are what bother her. And those kinds of things are stuff that I could care less about. L is just simple...more my type.

I just want a resolution. I want her to start dating someone, or I want L to make a clear move to show she's interested. Or I want us to be together, kind of...things would have to change.

I Don't Love You

Shitty, shitty week.

Thursday: court went badly. I got convicted, so now I have a minor on my record. My insurance goes up 100-200 bucks a month, I have to do some community service and some lame DUI programs. If I get caught with alcohol in the next month I go to jail for the next 30 days.

Friday: My parents find my case of beer and liter of vodka in my room. Chaos ensues. I head to a nearby park with RL and S and drink 15 shots of rum to self medicate. I don't remember about half that night. It was fun though. :D

Saturday: I head over to AS's house with a bunch of friends to play some videogames and try and relax after Thursday and Friday, everyone but me left around 1:30 and I wound up going down on her for like an hour. That's the first time we've ever done that sober...

Today: I go to work all day and I'm still pumped for the party tonight, but when I got home I hopped online for the first time in a few days...I read a couple surveys she filled out. She yearns to be with him in LA. She didn't believe in love at first sight until she met him. She wants him to be the one. I knew I would fucking regret hooking up last night but for the first time last night she didn't say she felt guilty, and I wasn't upset. And now I regret it, after reading those. Fuck it, I'm done with her. I'm going after L, she's been calling me a lot lately and all my friends like her too.

Oh, It Is Love

The last week has been pretty insane. After that conversation I had with AS she had a complete meltdown and started drinking the next day, by herself. We were supposed to go to a friend's house after work and watch a movie but instead we went back to my house and hooked up. I told her that I lied about everything, that I still liked her and wanted her...but I guess the question is do I really? Two nights later I got my sister drunk with her, and the same thing happened. I promised her earlier in the day that I wouldn't do anything, but the way she talked, she was practically begging me to get on her. So that's that, I don't think I've ever got so much action in such a short time in my life.

I still don't really know what to do about her...after I told her I wasn't interested, I felt so free. I mean I felt like crap because I knew how much it upset her, and we are still friends, so I don't like making her mad or whatever, but I've certainly been done sugarcoating things for awhile now. She told me too that she felt relieved when I told her that, because she doesn't want me to hurt.

Too bad her sister isn't a year or two older, because I would totally hit that.