I Want to Save You

I talked to AS last night for a long time and I told her that I'm not interested in dating her any more. She asked me if she called tomorrow and said she was ready, what would I say? The answer is that I have no idea. There are so many things that are frustrating about her...she can be such a hypocrite, she always shifts blame on to other people, she's weak and needs other people to do things for her, she has no work ethic...on the other hand...

I love her laugh, her eyes, her smile, the way she talks, the level of class she shows on a daily basis, her belief in God, her artistic talent, her beautiful body, her ability to hold a conversation for hours, her understanding nature, her need of me, her taste in movies, her family, her house, the way her hair smells, the way her hand feels in mine, the way my heart stops when we kiss, discussing Lost with her, talking on the phone with her, the way she says I love, her random texts, her plans for the future, how time goes twice as fast around her and most of all I love that she is my best friend.

What's a Boy to do?

Luckie Street

I had an interesting night.

I've been talking back and forth with a buddy of mine for awhile about maybe jamming with him, and that sort of coincided with another idea I've been kicking around for a long time, which was putting together a cover band and having an awesome party at my house sometime this summer. (Fingers crossed, that could still happen) So I head over there tonight and we played for awhile, a lot of people were there at first but then almost everybody bailed. Pretty soon it was me, my friend, and one of his friends who turned out to be pretty cool. He had a lot of cool stuff to say, a lot of it was high school drama crap but then it sort of turned to just a general discussion about life. We covered just about everything from alcohol, to girls, to karma, to making money, you name it and we probably spent at least some time talking about it.

The main thing that really hit me hard though was his advice on playing to your talents. He said something along the lines of "I'm not good at playing keyboard. I like it, but I'm not good at it. I know when I'm beat." It made me wonder, what am I really good at? In my opinion, I'm not really that talented at anything. I can play some guitar, I know a little bit of photoshop, I sketch or draw occasionally, I'm not terribly out of shape but I'm not ripped either, I'm not a player but I'm not a total nerd either, my grades are pretty average and I don't really try that hard.

I'm just trying to figure out where I stand in life I guess, as far as who I am. What do I want to be? Do I want to have all those skills I listed above, and do I even have the capacity to obtain them? Why haven't I tried harder previously in life, so I could be fluent in a language by now and starting on my second, or been more well read, or a better guitar player, or have more money in the bank? Honestly, why didn't I figure all this out back in high school? I could be so much better off now if I had just put forth more effort back then.

I need a better work ethic or something, but I'm not sure how to go about getting one I guess. Life seems like the same old cycle all the time, I work, hang out with friends, sleep, then work some more. I never have time to accomplish anything new, but maybe it's just that I'm not using my time efficiently enough. Who knows?

Trailer Trash

Ever nip out from a movie trailer? Yeah me too, at the new Transformers one. Go check it out on Yahoo! movies.


NOW.

My Favorite Accident

So I had court this morning. It did not go as well as planned. I was hoping for a year's probation, but no such luck. We meet there again next week to cross examine the cop, and hopefully strike a better deal. If that doesn't work out, it goes to a full jury trial in 3 weeks.

Finally got to spend some time to spend with AS, it's been a long time since I'd seen. We pretty much hung out here all day, went to grab some food, watched some Firefly and some more OC. Good stuff all around. So frustrating, she was wearing a skirt today and I just kept wanting to run my hands up her legs...I hate that, I never have had that problem with other girls. Maybe it's because we've actually done stuff before, I don't know...

I have one final left before my first year of college is over. All in all it was sort of a failure. I got a D in English so that won't transfer to UMD, so I'll be coming out of my first year with about 21 credits. Pretty terrible, all things considered. I don't know if I'm just ADD or what, but I have such a hard time putting any effort into school and it seems to come so naturally to some people.

Also, if you haven't already, check these movies out: Children of Men, Smokin' Aces, Pan's Labyrinth. All amazing movies in different ways, all worth your time.

All On Black

Ok yeah, I over reacted. I forgot she had stayed up 'til like 7 AM because of her Adderall and was going on 3 hours of sleep. She passed out around 8:30 and slept for about 13 hours. Silly me.

Tomorrow is her big modeling convention thingy, fingers crossed that all goes well!

I have court Monday. That should be fun. If we get the best possible outcome, I'll go on probation for a year or so, and then the case gets thrown out as long as I'm a good little Boy.

Meanwhile my friends are slowly starting to trickle back from college, I can't wait to see S, R, and N tomorrow night. I miss my old friends so much, and summer is so close I can taste it. I can't wait!

Wake Up Call

She always calls after Lost is on...what's going on? I hope she's ok. Sober would be nice too, but I'll take ok.

I Am The Movie

Today was an absolute blast. I turned my phone off last night, drew the curtains, and set my alarm for 1:30. I finished Azkaban last night and I'm going to start Goblet soon, only 2 months until Deathly Hallows is out! AS called around 3:30 and wanted to come over and drop off a plant for my mom. She backed into my car about a week ago and my parents decided not to do anything about it. It seems totally fair to me, it's not going to be any more valuable if we did fix it and it's just a door. So her mom asked my mom what she wanted and she came up with a plant. :D

We were going to see Spiderman with a friend but decided not to, I don't really feel like paying $8.50 for a movie I've heard mostly negative things about. So instead we had dinner with my family, played some Goldeneye, and watched Heroes. After Heroes was over we finally got around to watching Children of Men, which is an absolutely amazing movie. We snuggled up on the couch and then decided to watch the latest Desperate Housewives. After our TV marathon was done we just talked about life, TB, and her modeling thing that's coming up. I enjoy her company so much, there are so many girls I can't stand just sitting and talking to for hours on end but she is definitely not one of them. I honestly can see myself spending and enjoying the rest of my life with her.

Basically the overall point here is that we are huge nerds who do nothing but watch TV and play videogames.

Earth To Bella (Part 1)

Nothing much to report lately. School rushes quickly towards its end, and I have so much homework and studying to do in the next week or so, it's insane. AS and I are much the same as usual, better than usual, that is. Work still sucks, but at least I have less hours next week. Anyways, I gotta be up in like 5 hours for church, so that sucks.

Penny Arcade remains hilarious, as usual. The podcast is excellent, I highly recommend it.

When the Music's Over

Here's a smattering of what I've been listening to lately:

Anberlin - Cities
Incubus - Light Grenades
Mute Math
+44
Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
Muse - Black Holes & Revelations, Absolution
The Black Keys
The Decemberists - Picaresque
The Strokes
Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
Relient K - 5 Score and 7 Years Ago
Five Iron Frenzy
Underoath - They're Only Chasing Safety
Dispatch
Radiohead
Switchfoot
Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
Paramore
Lily Allen
Silversun Pickups - Carnavas
Modest Mouse - The Moon & Antarctica, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

I Want to Love You Madly

So we hooked up again.

I had this huge talk with M or whatever, and it made me upset and so resolute, but all that just melts when I see her. I don't want to be away from her, I want to be with her always. I don't want to be over her, I want to be in love with her. We had this huge talk in my kitchen for like an hour, and then we moved into the living room to start watching the OC. (Season 3, one more to go!) After awhile I stopped it and apologized, and that I wanted to go back to being nice and friends again, so she layed down and we started spooning. I began rubbing her tummy, slowly working my way down...and things just kinda went from there.

Since then she's been understandably pissed, I've been so moody lately and indecisive about her. One day I want her, the next I don't. I finally made up my mind. Despite everything M said, despite every piece of advice I've gotten from my other friends: I love this girl. I want to be with her, forever. I want her to be mine. And that's all there is to it.

I want to love her madly.