So the punishment for the minor finally got handed down. Even if I somehow don't get convicted for the minor, I still can't drive: indefinitely. If I get the full brunt of it I'll be uninsured by State Farm for three years, but since I live with my parents they'll still have to pay for insurance through Progressive. $400 dollars a month. Hopefully the fact that I'm in school, have decent grades, a job, and that this is a first time offense will bring it down to community service, but either way, I lose. There goes my whole summer.
I finally got the chance to hang out with M last night, we've been trying to set something up for almost 2 weeks now. We grabbed some food and scaled his girlfriend's church. Talk inevitably turned to AS and we had a pretty serious heart-to-heart about the whole thing. Despite TB and I being friends for so long, we really didn't hang out that much so M knew a lot more about his relationship with AS than I did. He said he thought I was being played and that I should get out. I got so close to AS to heal her, and now she's over TB. Time for her to learn to depend on herself. She has to figure it out that I won't be there for her all the time, she needs to learn to do things for herself. So actually this works out alright, I can't drive anywhere anyways so I won't be spending nearly as much time with her.
I can't date her until she changes, no matter how much I want to be with her. So that's that.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Cool and Unusual Punishment
I finally told my dad about the minor tonight. I spent today on the phone with various people at my insurance company as well as a DUI lawyer. I will almost definitely not be insured after my court date (mid-May), so that means no visiting R and N. I lose my license for 30 days. I have no idea how I'm going to get to summer session classes, so this really blows. Sucky things is, if I had been either 21, or just 20 minutes later getting home, I would've been fine.
Monday, April 23, 2007
The Irony of Dying on Your Birthday
Interesting week.
I took a trip out to Winona to visit my friends G and E, and to go see the band Cake with them. Awesome show, by the way, they were really good live. I was a bit drunk so I don't remember parts of the show, but what I do remember was fantastic. Afterwards we headed over to a bar for an after party, and I put what little dancing skills I had to use for a few hours. I'm not much for dancing normally, but it actually turned out to be really fun. The best part of the night was by far the search for food. At St. Cloud, most places close at 3 AM, but in Winona it's 2 AM I guess. We called Little Caesar's, Dominoes, and a couple other places I don't remember because I was still drunk at the time, but we finally made it to Hardee's. Seriously, the last time I was there was like 6 years ago, but I remember they had this thing called the Monster burger, which thank God they still had it. I looked down the menu, everything looked so good and then I saw the Monster. 2/3 lb. Bacon. Cheese. Delicious. And a bargain at only $7.49! There were four of us in my car and we somehow managed to blow 30 dollars. We headed back to the rest of the group, who were in this little maintenance cave/hole type thing, really cool place actually. Let me tell you, that was one of the best burgers I've ever had and I'm so thankful we had beer to go with it. C couldn't finish his, but hey, it is a 2/3 lb. burger, so I let it slide.
Saturday morning we woke up, had breakfast and then E and I took off for home. We talked about B on the way back, and I basically came to the conclusion that even though she wants more, it would be unfair of me to pretend like I'm into her just to get over AS. It would be terrible of me to use her like that. Hooking up once is one thing, nothing serious even happened, but pretending to be into someone? I don't think I could ever do that to anyone I consider a friend. So that's that, I'll have to tell her sooner or later I guess but I'm really dreading it.
AS and I hooked up again on Saturday. It's been a long time since we did anything, like 3 months I think. She had her wisdom teeth out and wanted something for the pain. She begged for alcohol so I finally gave some to her, which was a huge mistake. She must have snuck some because I only gave her one shot. We wound up making out on my couch and when we were done I felt more depressed than I have since the last time we slept together. I worked so hard to get over her, and I thought I was making at least a little progress. Even completely sober, I couldn't turn her down. I still want her that bad. God help me, I need to get over this girl. Since then I've been pretending things are ok, but they're definitely not. I'm so lost without her, and I'm lost when I'm with her. I've realized that we're way too different for things to ever work out between us, I think. Maybe. Love is a funny thing.
Today was her birthday. We baked a cake together, played videogames, and watched Heroes. (Which is finally back on! I missed that show so much!) All of that was well and good...but I wanted to kiss her, so badly, all day.
What's a Boy to do?
I took a trip out to Winona to visit my friends G and E, and to go see the band Cake with them. Awesome show, by the way, they were really good live. I was a bit drunk so I don't remember parts of the show, but what I do remember was fantastic. Afterwards we headed over to a bar for an after party, and I put what little dancing skills I had to use for a few hours. I'm not much for dancing normally, but it actually turned out to be really fun. The best part of the night was by far the search for food. At St. Cloud, most places close at 3 AM, but in Winona it's 2 AM I guess. We called Little Caesar's, Dominoes, and a couple other places I don't remember because I was still drunk at the time, but we finally made it to Hardee's. Seriously, the last time I was there was like 6 years ago, but I remember they had this thing called the Monster burger, which thank God they still had it. I looked down the menu, everything looked so good and then I saw the Monster. 2/3 lb. Bacon. Cheese. Delicious. And a bargain at only $7.49! There were four of us in my car and we somehow managed to blow 30 dollars. We headed back to the rest of the group, who were in this little maintenance cave/hole type thing, really cool place actually. Let me tell you, that was one of the best burgers I've ever had and I'm so thankful we had beer to go with it. C couldn't finish his, but hey, it is a 2/3 lb. burger, so I let it slide.
Saturday morning we woke up, had breakfast and then E and I took off for home. We talked about B on the way back, and I basically came to the conclusion that even though she wants more, it would be unfair of me to pretend like I'm into her just to get over AS. It would be terrible of me to use her like that. Hooking up once is one thing, nothing serious even happened, but pretending to be into someone? I don't think I could ever do that to anyone I consider a friend. So that's that, I'll have to tell her sooner or later I guess but I'm really dreading it.
AS and I hooked up again on Saturday. It's been a long time since we did anything, like 3 months I think. She had her wisdom teeth out and wanted something for the pain. She begged for alcohol so I finally gave some to her, which was a huge mistake. She must have snuck some because I only gave her one shot. We wound up making out on my couch and when we were done I felt more depressed than I have since the last time we slept together. I worked so hard to get over her, and I thought I was making at least a little progress. Even completely sober, I couldn't turn her down. I still want her that bad. God help me, I need to get over this girl. Since then I've been pretending things are ok, but they're definitely not. I'm so lost without her, and I'm lost when I'm with her. I've realized that we're way too different for things to ever work out between us, I think. Maybe. Love is a funny thing.
Today was her birthday. We baked a cake together, played videogames, and watched Heroes. (Which is finally back on! I missed that show so much!) All of that was well and good...but I wanted to kiss her, so badly, all day.
What's a Boy to do?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The End of Heartache
Wow, can't believe this is happening.
My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of the families, students, teachers, and friends who are affected by this tragedy.
It's things like these that make relationship drama seem pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme.
God bless.
My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of the families, students, teachers, and friends who are affected by this tragedy.
It's things like these that make relationship drama seem pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme.
God bless.
Someday You Will Be Loved
Interesting few nights.
I saw B again, for the first time since Stout. We hung out and watched 300, and then an episode of the show Weeds (which I loved, btw) and she put her head on my shoulder...I didn't know what to do. I mean I'm not even into her other than as a friend. I should be, I guess. Lots of common interests plus we did make out the first night we met. Thank the alcohol for that one I think. E thinks we should go out but I just don't feel that spark like I do with AS, and pretending to like B is not healthy/nice for her at all, so that's not the solution.
Probably should just talk to her about it and tell her how I feel, but I am really dreading it. I feel like I may have led her on with that note I left her, but I honestly wasn't really even thinking when I wrote it, I was still drunk and didn't want to leave her with nothing, you know?
AS and I have had a couple fun nights. I took her out to dinner and a movie, we've hung out and watched some OC (finally, I was going into Seth Cohen withdrawal I think) and she actually got her wisdom teeth pulled today. I went over around 9 PM after doing some errands and stuff, watched most of Happy Feet (weird movie, there's like this underlying political agenda beneath the whole thing, very liberal) and some more OC. This is horrible, but she had been texting all night so when she left to brush her teeth I started looking through her phone. I wish to God I wouldn't have because the text's to R were so depressing. All about how sexy and caring and sweet and sensitive he is...that girl will never ever love me the way I love her, and I will always love her the way I do. I need another girl...so badly. Just even someone else to like, to get over AS.
Kill me quick.
I saw B again, for the first time since Stout. We hung out and watched 300, and then an episode of the show Weeds (which I loved, btw) and she put her head on my shoulder...I didn't know what to do. I mean I'm not even into her other than as a friend. I should be, I guess. Lots of common interests plus we did make out the first night we met. Thank the alcohol for that one I think. E thinks we should go out but I just don't feel that spark like I do with AS, and pretending to like B is not healthy/nice for her at all, so that's not the solution.
Probably should just talk to her about it and tell her how I feel, but I am really dreading it. I feel like I may have led her on with that note I left her, but I honestly wasn't really even thinking when I wrote it, I was still drunk and didn't want to leave her with nothing, you know?
AS and I have had a couple fun nights. I took her out to dinner and a movie, we've hung out and watched some OC (finally, I was going into Seth Cohen withdrawal I think) and she actually got her wisdom teeth pulled today. I went over around 9 PM after doing some errands and stuff, watched most of Happy Feet (weird movie, there's like this underlying political agenda beneath the whole thing, very liberal) and some more OC. This is horrible, but she had been texting all night so when she left to brush her teeth I started looking through her phone. I wish to God I wouldn't have because the text's to R were so depressing. All about how sexy and caring and sweet and sensitive he is...that girl will never ever love me the way I love her, and I will always love her the way I do. I need another girl...so badly. Just even someone else to like, to get over AS.
Kill me quick.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume Two: The World of No Tomorrow
Once again...sorry for being late. One of the most frustrating things to me is when bloggers or people running a personal website promise updates and then fail to deliver.
When last we left our heroes...
One of them was falling in love.
One was brokenhearted.
Through my first semester I spent more hours than I care to count on the phone with AS. My first month, I racked up a 300 dollar phone bill because we kept talking during the day. I missed class so many times (ended up failing all of them) because we were on the phone til 4 or 5 AM. I went home every weekend to see her. I would seriously estimate that more than half of my waking hours were spent either thinking about her, talking to her, or spending time with her. I mean now I look back and I realize I totally wasted my first semester of college on this girl. I made no friends, didn't do anything, and failed all my classes. But hey, that's life, live and learn.
She's the first and only girl I've ever slept with. We hooked up more times than I care to remember, drunk and sober. Not always sex, but every time we hung out there was usually something. Sex was a huge mistake, probably one of the single biggest ones of my life. She wanted to wait for marriage, and I knew that going into, but I was so drunk...Of course this whole time I'm trying to keep my friendship with TB, and everyone associated with him. All was well and good for awhile but I started to sense that things weren't right towards the end of November. The secret got out. Through lots of complicated fights with some other friends, events (she was practically raped by another one of my friends, a girl too), and situations, and with endless drama, it got out. The next 3 months were some of the lowest of my life. AS was basically my only friend during that time. A few others, but not many. So we had each other, so I thought. Things started to fall apart between us around the end of Christmas break. I began to question what I was doing, screwing around with one of my best friend's exs. I decided I had to get over her. So I started to. We talked about what we were doing, and decided to try and cut back. It worked ok, I guess. We did cut back some on what we were doing.
2nd semester I came home. My parents obviously found out about my grades and hit the roof, I was grounded for a month. I managed to spend some time with her too, but not nearly as much as I had been before. The honeymoon phase ended and I started to notice things I overlooked before, because I was so into her. She's not independent at all, she won't do anything without being forced into it. She hates working. She has no taste in music. She's difficult and hypocritical. When she wants me to do something I don't want to, it's all well and good, but she will never bend for me. So I stopped bending over backwards for her. It's actually been nice, I mean it's not like I'm getting any anymore so I have nothing to be worried about losing.
These last couple weeks have been weird. She left for a month to stay with family, and I just felt so detached from her. It didn't help that she didn't get service so I barely talked to her. My life was so much easier. No 4 AM phone calls, no constant demands to hang out, no whining. It was nice, but at the same time I missed her like crazy. When she finally did come back I was a different person. Colder. More distant.
I've been trying to get over her since then. And it's going alright so far, I mean sometimes I feel so close it's scary and other times I just want to be as far away from her as possible. It's a struggle to find a place where I can be comfortable being her friend, without being more.
When last we left our heroes...
One of them was falling in love.
One was brokenhearted.
Through my first semester I spent more hours than I care to count on the phone with AS. My first month, I racked up a 300 dollar phone bill because we kept talking during the day. I missed class so many times (ended up failing all of them) because we were on the phone til 4 or 5 AM. I went home every weekend to see her. I would seriously estimate that more than half of my waking hours were spent either thinking about her, talking to her, or spending time with her. I mean now I look back and I realize I totally wasted my first semester of college on this girl. I made no friends, didn't do anything, and failed all my classes. But hey, that's life, live and learn.
She's the first and only girl I've ever slept with. We hooked up more times than I care to remember, drunk and sober. Not always sex, but every time we hung out there was usually something. Sex was a huge mistake, probably one of the single biggest ones of my life. She wanted to wait for marriage, and I knew that going into, but I was so drunk...Of course this whole time I'm trying to keep my friendship with TB, and everyone associated with him. All was well and good for awhile but I started to sense that things weren't right towards the end of November. The secret got out. Through lots of complicated fights with some other friends, events (she was practically raped by another one of my friends, a girl too), and situations, and with endless drama, it got out. The next 3 months were some of the lowest of my life. AS was basically my only friend during that time. A few others, but not many. So we had each other, so I thought. Things started to fall apart between us around the end of Christmas break. I began to question what I was doing, screwing around with one of my best friend's exs. I decided I had to get over her. So I started to. We talked about what we were doing, and decided to try and cut back. It worked ok, I guess. We did cut back some on what we were doing.
2nd semester I came home. My parents obviously found out about my grades and hit the roof, I was grounded for a month. I managed to spend some time with her too, but not nearly as much as I had been before. The honeymoon phase ended and I started to notice things I overlooked before, because I was so into her. She's not independent at all, she won't do anything without being forced into it. She hates working. She has no taste in music. She's difficult and hypocritical. When she wants me to do something I don't want to, it's all well and good, but she will never bend for me. So I stopped bending over backwards for her. It's actually been nice, I mean it's not like I'm getting any anymore so I have nothing to be worried about losing.
These last couple weeks have been weird. She left for a month to stay with family, and I just felt so detached from her. It didn't help that she didn't get service so I barely talked to her. My life was so much easier. No 4 AM phone calls, no constant demands to hang out, no whining. It was nice, but at the same time I missed her like crazy. When she finally did come back I was a different person. Colder. More distant.
I've been trying to get over her since then. And it's going alright so far, I mean sometimes I feel so close it's scary and other times I just want to be as far away from her as possible. It's a struggle to find a place where I can be comfortable being her friend, without being more.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Rum is for Drinking, Not for Burning
Sorry to be so late on posting, I had a hell of a weekend though. I've been drinking since I was 17, and I've never gotten caught. There have been tons of close calls, and I've lucked out more times than I care to remember, but my parents/the cops have never actually caught me drinking. Until now. Driving back from my friend J's apartment, I came to a roadblock. Ironically enough, it was caused by another drunk driver. There was a cleanup crew on the road and I attempted to drive between the vehicles...wasn't supposed to do that, apparently. One of the cops pulled up behind me and pulled me over. He asked for my license and insurance (which was expired, awesome) and then had me step out. He did the finger test and then breathalyzed me. .053. That's what I blew. If I was just 2 years older he probably would have sent me home with a warning, but instead I lose my license for 30 days and have to go to court. They towed my car, which cost 160 dollars, and the fine for drinking and driving will be around 300 I'm guessing. Sweet. I'm never drinking and driving again.
Now I just have to make it through this without my parents finding out...
Now I just have to make it through this without my parents finding out...
Friday, April 6, 2007
My Violent Heart
I love music so much. All of it. Tonight I got Lily Allen, LCD Soundsystem, Silversun Pickups, and Quietdrive. I spent the evening listening to a mishmash of trip hop, dancetronica, indie rock, and pop punk ballads. All of it was delicious.
Oh and then there's Year Zero. The new Nine Inch Nails. So far it is ridiculously amazing. Trent Reznor is a creative genius.
Oh and then there's Year Zero. The new Nine Inch Nails. So far it is ridiculously amazing. Trent Reznor is a creative genius.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness
Rather uneventful week so far, hence the lack of posts. Thought maybe I'd fill in a bit of the back story on AS and I, so you readers have some idea of who this girl is, why she means so much to me, and of how that came to be.
TB and I had been friends since we were little tykes, about 2 or 3 years old. We met because our families go to the same church, and we grew up together. He is probably my oldest friend. During our junior year of high school, he and AS started dating. I didn't get to know her very well until this past summer, after my senior year of high school. She worked at a store in the same strip mall as me, so we'd get Caribou and stuff sometimes. Also, TB started bringing her to parties at AH's house, so we'd chat then because he'd usually be off lighting things on fire or other manly things. TB and I did talk about her...she had some fidelity issues. She had phone sex with a guy, TB got pissed so she didn't talk to her friend for almost a year, when they talked again they had phone sex again, bad move. She was always telling him how hot she thought different guys were, and he never was interested in anybody but her, so he told her. Around us guys he was normal, commenting on how hot various girls were. That made sort of a problem for them. They never did sleep together, but they did just about everything else, he was the first guy to ever see her naked, etc etc, love love, she planned on getting married to him and all that jazz.
So her cousin comes to visit. Second cousin actually. They stay up all night watching movies, talking and whatnot, and one night they thought it would be funny if they made out. Something to laugh about at the wedding, right? So it happens, and she feels awful about it. TB is leaving for a week, so she tells him about it before he leaves. He went to a party, got super drunk and told everybody what happened even though he said he wouldn't. Then he was gone for a week. When he got, he dumped her. She thought it would be temporary but it really was the end. And so began her downward spiral. I already had feelings for her but obviously would never do anything to act on them while she was with TB, so when they broke up I was there for her. We hung out, watched a bunch of movies, went out to eat, and I was just there to listen to her cry or whatever she needed to do. No problem.
About 3 or 4 days after they broke up, I finally got her drunk. We had been talking about it all summer, it just never worked out. She had a great time, all was well in the world. There were two weeks left in summer and we partied together 4 times. I kissed her once, and we were both drunk so I told her how I felt about her. If we hadn't drank together, I doubt I ever would have told her, and I wish I hadn't, because it would have made life so much more simple. The last time we drank, we hooked up...nothing serious, we made out for a couple hours. We were both ok about it, life went on and nobody knew. She was still in love with him, obviously, so it never crossed my mind to be with her. Also, that would have been super weird to start dating my friend's ex a couple weeks after they broke up. Soon after that last party, we spent a whole night together, and she broke down crying at TB's house. I think that was honestly the lowest point I have ever seen someone sink...it was honestly the most heartwrenching experience since my grandpa passed away a few years ago. We got out of there, and I just held her for a couple hours.
And she kissed me.
When it happened, I felt a jolt go through my body. I have never had that feeling before. My heart skipped 10 beats. I knew right then that she was going to be my girl, that I had to make her mine. The next morning I went off to college.
I'll post Part 2 tomorrow
TB and I had been friends since we were little tykes, about 2 or 3 years old. We met because our families go to the same church, and we grew up together. He is probably my oldest friend. During our junior year of high school, he and AS started dating. I didn't get to know her very well until this past summer, after my senior year of high school. She worked at a store in the same strip mall as me, so we'd get Caribou and stuff sometimes. Also, TB started bringing her to parties at AH's house, so we'd chat then because he'd usually be off lighting things on fire or other manly things. TB and I did talk about her...she had some fidelity issues. She had phone sex with a guy, TB got pissed so she didn't talk to her friend for almost a year, when they talked again they had phone sex again, bad move. She was always telling him how hot she thought different guys were, and he never was interested in anybody but her, so he told her. Around us guys he was normal, commenting on how hot various girls were. That made sort of a problem for them. They never did sleep together, but they did just about everything else, he was the first guy to ever see her naked, etc etc, love love, she planned on getting married to him and all that jazz.
So her cousin comes to visit. Second cousin actually. They stay up all night watching movies, talking and whatnot, and one night they thought it would be funny if they made out. Something to laugh about at the wedding, right? So it happens, and she feels awful about it. TB is leaving for a week, so she tells him about it before he leaves. He went to a party, got super drunk and told everybody what happened even though he said he wouldn't. Then he was gone for a week. When he got, he dumped her. She thought it would be temporary but it really was the end. And so began her downward spiral. I already had feelings for her but obviously would never do anything to act on them while she was with TB, so when they broke up I was there for her. We hung out, watched a bunch of movies, went out to eat, and I was just there to listen to her cry or whatever she needed to do. No problem.
About 3 or 4 days after they broke up, I finally got her drunk. We had been talking about it all summer, it just never worked out. She had a great time, all was well in the world. There were two weeks left in summer and we partied together 4 times. I kissed her once, and we were both drunk so I told her how I felt about her. If we hadn't drank together, I doubt I ever would have told her, and I wish I hadn't, because it would have made life so much more simple. The last time we drank, we hooked up...nothing serious, we made out for a couple hours. We were both ok about it, life went on and nobody knew. She was still in love with him, obviously, so it never crossed my mind to be with her. Also, that would have been super weird to start dating my friend's ex a couple weeks after they broke up. Soon after that last party, we spent a whole night together, and she broke down crying at TB's house. I think that was honestly the lowest point I have ever seen someone sink...it was honestly the most heartwrenching experience since my grandpa passed away a few years ago. We got out of there, and I just held her for a couple hours.
And she kissed me.
When it happened, I felt a jolt go through my body. I have never had that feeling before. My heart skipped 10 beats. I knew right then that she was going to be my girl, that I had to make her mine. The next morning I went off to college.
I'll post Part 2 tomorrow
Monday, April 2, 2007
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
True statement. In the three days she was home, AS already started to break me down again...can't let that happen. I have to stay distant. I need that because otherwise it hurts too bad to be around her. Two nights ago we were watching a movie and I stayed for about 3 hours longer than I wanted to, because she asked me to. I'm done doing that, I had to work the next day and it was hell because I was up so late. So last night I stopped by to drop off the OC and pick up some stuff. (I'm watching her house this whole week while she's away on spring break.) I got some last minute instructions from her parents and then decided to head out to another friend's house. She begged me to stay but I took off anyways, because I wanted to. It felt good to do what I wanted for a change. It's weird, I never used to tell her how I really felt about the way she is, but now I do it all the time. Like I was explaining to her last night, "Either you'll change, and I'll stop ripping on you about it, or you don't change and I get to keep making fun of you. I win either way."
Last night was good, my other friend and I played videogames for a couple hours. We're going to try and have a small gathering at AS' house Thursday night, we'll see how that goes.
B...eh...I don't know what to do. I think she's pretty in to me, she asked me to call her when I have time, but I don't really want to. I hate to sound shallow but as cool as she is...she's not that attractive, and I'm pretty picky when it comes to women. Very male of me, I know, but you ladies out there do it too. It really has to be the whole package when it comes to a girl, which seems to be impossible to find. By whole package I mean looks, sense of humor, good taste in music and movies, polite, confident, and on and on it goes. Maybe I should just lower my standards a bit?
Last night was good, my other friend and I played videogames for a couple hours. We're going to try and have a small gathering at AS' house Thursday night, we'll see how that goes.
B...eh...I don't know what to do. I think she's pretty in to me, she asked me to call her when I have time, but I don't really want to. I hate to sound shallow but as cool as she is...she's not that attractive, and I'm pretty picky when it comes to women. Very male of me, I know, but you ladies out there do it too. It really has to be the whole package when it comes to a girl, which seems to be impossible to find. By whole package I mean looks, sense of humor, good taste in music and movies, polite, confident, and on and on it goes. Maybe I should just lower my standards a bit?
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