Thank You

Well they're officially dating. I think I probably won't be writing for awhile. Thanks for listening.

My Rights Versus Yours

Wow. Check this out. I may not have a lot of respect for wrestling as a whole, but this is ridiculous. Why does the media need to twist everything? Selling more stories does not make you fair and balanced.

The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust!

Internet is down at my house right now, so updates might be a bit sporadic for awhile here...not that they haven't been in the past, haha.

I've been really diving in to some research on the music industry lately, trying to decide why I feel the way I do about downloading music illegally. This really resonated with me, and I hope you guys think it's interesting too.

Artists like Saul Williams and Radiohead are determining the future of the music scene, and I can't wait to see where it ends up. I only hope more bands decide to follow their example, and I wish people would have caught on sooner.

Digital distribution is the future, whether record companies want to admit it or not. Steve Jobs has taken some baby steps in the right direction, with DRM free downloads from the iTunes store, but even those are imprinted with the username of the person downloading it.

Despite never having used it, OiNK really was the best thing to happen to the music scene. If recording companies had put their considerable political and financial muscle behind developing something like it early on in the game, ie when Napster was still around, they easily could've pushed Napster and other lookalikes out of the filesharing arena simply by offering a better, faster, service.

Shiksa (Girlfriend)

Last night we went to a Halloween party and she freaked out. It was in Uptown and it was a group of D's friends who we didn't know at all. We were walking down the stairs towards the party and she disappeared. I figured she had gone to some other part of the apartment but when none of us had seen her in a half hour or so we went looking.

Turns out she was back in the car because she was too scared to mingle. It's times like this when I wish we were dating the most, so I could take her in my arms and tell her that it's ok to be scared sometimes and that I would never hold it against her.

But we're not together.

And neither are her and D, apparently. Despite her profile changing, her texting D and calling him her boyfriend, and telling her sister about it, and the fact that I'm 99% sure they fooled around last night. She claims they're not together and I have to take her at her word I guess.

We're drinking at her house tomorrow and I'm scared. I really don't want anything to happen but I just can't say no. I almost hope I get sick so I don't have to worry about it.

Call to Arms

Angels and Airwaves is, in my opinion, one of the most criminally underrated bands in the modern music scene. People are so afraid to open up to something new, that they dismiss it as crap the second they hear it. It took me awhile to open up to Tom DeLonge's new band, especially after being such a huge Blink182 fan for almost 10 years now. Once I did, I realized that AVA really is something special...someone trying to create something truly unique and amazing in a scene that's plagued by repetitive and overused cliches. Unbelievable stuff. I'm listening to I-Empire as I write this and it's quite possibly a contender for album of the year.

The Truth is you Should Lie With Me

Whoops, we hooked up again.

And she's dating D. Well, not dating him, she called it a trial run. And then she broke down crying saying I wasn't supposed to know about it until I left for UMD, because she was afraid she would lose me.

I suppose I should go back and start at the beginning.

On Thursday, I noticed that her and D had both removed being single from their profiles within minutes of each other. Friday night, we headed over to B's house to drink a little and just hang out, most of my friends were at Butler visiting S. B was all over her and she was pretty cuddly, but that was it. AS got really drunk and ended up having a complete meltdown in the car on the drive home, screaming about how she hated her life, her family thought she was a failure, her uncle died on Wednesday and she wasn't going to be able to go to his funeral to say goodbye, her sister treated her like crap and talked about her behind her back...and how she missed TB.

She was also mad because I called her out on cuddling with B when she's told me more than once that she likes D. It turned into a huge fight, mostly because she was drunk out of her mind at that point and got really defensive. We got back to her house and she was just sobbing in the driveway, it was probably the worst I've seen her since last summer...it was actually really scary. Eventually I got out of the car and just went over to the passenger side and held her as hard as I could. She finally calmed down and we both went inside, I told her I'd keep her company as long as she needed me too...one thing lead to another.

We were talking after and throughout the night she had been getting texts from D. I called her on that too and she finally admitted that they were dating "on a trial run." She told him she was still so in love with TB, and she never wanted to hurt me. That made me more angry than anything, I think, that she would put off a good thing with D...for what, exactly? So she could keep not dating me? I don't even think I'd want to date her anymore, so it would be better if she was dating someone else anyways.

She kept saying that she would lose me, that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that she wishes more than anything that we were dating. She was sobbing again by this point, and I don't even know why. It doesn't really make sense, it's nice to know that she cares but if the right girl comes along for me I'm not going to blow her off so I can keep waiting for AS...

I swear, God is probably the only one in the whole flippin' universe who knows how this will end.

In Rainbows

I cannot wait until the new Radiohead album hits tomorrow. It's bands like that are going to save modern music. For those of you who haven't heard about it, the new album is called "In Rainbows" and is being released online as a digital download as well as a box set. The catch is that you can pay as much/little as you want for it. It's going to be interesting to see how this pays off for them, but I think it will work because anyone who will bother going through the site is a Radiohead fan anyways, so they're willing to pay at least some money for it.

The box set is for the true fans. It costs 40 GBP, or about 80 USD, and contains the album on vinyl, as well as an artbook and the album on CD. Pretty cool stuff, I hope this pays off for them because they're already one of the most creative and talented bands around. If anyone deserves to have a risk work out for them, it's Radiohead.

Fell In Love Without You

Nothing much to report in the past few days, I still am just taking it as it comes with AS. She seems to be getting closer to D, but it doesn't bother me. He's already been through this with other girls, multiple times, and I warned him about her, so I don't know what he's doing but he will get sick of her.

In the past ten days or so she's made multiple references to us dating, in a 'what if?' sort of way. I've shot her down every time, as nice as I could, but I just don't want to give her the impression that whenever she's done with her other boy toys that I will still be conveniently waiting for her.

Because I won't be.


P.S. Relient K in 12 days!

Brand New Start

I hooked up with another girl. M brought me to a party at one of his friend's houses, the place was amazingly huge and she even had a bar which was awesome. We mixed a few drinks, turned up the music, one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in bed making out. I don't know whether I do it because I enjoy it or because I want to make AS jealous. I think I've fallen back in love with her again, but I can't even tell if that's because I am scared she'll find someone else or because I really, truly want to be with her and take care of her.

She asked me if she should start dating this guy she's been hanging out with, and it really hit home. I mean, I totally thought it was a given that eventually she would fall in love with me and be mine...but I am less and less certain of that all the time, and part of it is definitely my fault. I have been such a prick to her, for no good reason, and I wish I could take it back. She said that before she left for LA the last time that she was so close to being my girlfriend...but then I changed and said some really terrible things to her when she got back. I'm trying to be nicer, I am, I just hope that it's not too late...she's different from the scared, lonely girl I met a year ago. She's grown up in many ways, I have so much respect for her because of that...last weekend she was on national TV, modeling makeup. That has been her dream, forever, to be a model, and she actually went out and did it. It's absolutely unreal. I'm trying hard to find a point where I can be her friend, and let her trust me and be a part of my life, but it is so incredibly hard to do that without falling for her again. I can't be so intimate with someone who is offering no commitment in return...if it doesn't work out it will just hurt too much.

I've been drinking again...I haven't actually been drunk but I've had alcohol in me since last time I wrote about it. I know I made a promise...does this make me an alcoholic or something? I feel so torn between my faith; a commitment that I've made to Jesus to do my best and live up to his expectations, and my life. For the past 5 years I've been living one way, and now I'm trying to turn that almost completely around, which I suppose is what being a Christian is all about, but it is hard to do. I fail almost constantly. It's getting to the point where it's almost discouraging...I try not to swear as much, I try to avoid drinking or being petty or gossiping or all of those other things that I think aren't the best decisions even for non-Christians to make, but I still seem to slip up all the time.

The only thing to remember is that I am forgiven. I really need to figure out my tattoo idea, I want something permanently on my body to remind me that I am in this world but not of it...and I need to show that.

You Fight Me

Fighting with her gets so old sometimes. The past week or so has been fine, last night we watched The Office (absolutely hilarious by the way, I am so glad it's back on) and the night got off to a great start because I had told my sister that AS was going to be on TV, and she didn't want anybody to know. Well pardon me, but every time you come over you spend half an hour talking to my sister, so I was under the impression that you were friends with her. AS was also upset because I asked my sister to not talk about it in front of her friends.

She has this problem with letting people know she's accomplished something, which is a fairly rare occurrence for her so you'd think she would want to show it off a little. She's so concerned with her reputation, she actually complained when TB let it slip to his friends who she cheated with, because she was worried about her reputation...not because she cheated on him and they broke up, or anything, but because she was worried about what people thought about her.

It's the same reason I'm not allowed to tell anyone that we hook up all the time or what we're doing, it would damage her reputation if people knew that we were more than just friends because I'm not good enough for her or something...

She thinks I read too far into everything, I think I have her all figured out and she just won't admit how much she needs me.

Meanwhile, D is certainly making his presence known. Last night, he got off at nine and he knew that AS and I were hanging out, so he called *her* to hang out, not me. I told him good luck, because he's already dealing with another very similar girl and I cannot see why in the world he would want to get involved with another one.

Come Back To Bed

D's parents got remarried this weekend and they were out of town, so a couple friends and I went over to enjoy his mostly empty house. With a case of Grain Belt to enjoy, a guitar, and a nice bonfire going, the night seemed to be going pretty well.

Before we had to start cockblocking, that is.

Last time D got drunk, I was his designated driver so I was sober all night. We get to my friend L's house, and he just cannot keep his hands off another girl who was there. She's clearly uncomfortable, and he just won't let it go. She'll get up to go to the bathroom, he stands up until she gets back. At the time I chalked it up to his being drunk and let it go.

Fast forward to last night.

D is alllll over AS all night. There's only about six people there, so it's very obvious that she's uncomfortable but sort of unsure what to do about it. So my friends and I start playing cockblock, and I'll tell you I've never worked harder in my life. He just would not get off her, he would literally force his way into a seat next to her, he tried to kiss her in full view of everyone there, he kept trying to get her away from everyone else. I mean I really like this guy, but he is just another person entirely when he starts drinking.

Finally the night starts winding down, I thought that the girls should take the basement, I'd stay upstairs, and D would take his own room. But of course, I get them settled and he somehow manages to pull AS up to his room. I wait five minutes, grab my other friend and we go up and cockblock for (thankfully) the last time. AS heads downstairs and I'm just drifting off to sleep when I hear the basement door open.


I finally got her off.

About time.

Let It Die

AS and I have barely spoken for 10 days and she finally caved tonight and asked if I wanted to go to Perkins with her. I said yes because I missed her so much this past week and I have only been waiting for her to call or write or text or email, or anything, just to know that she still wants to be around me.

So we fought on and off all night and I remembered why I stopped speaking to her in the first place.

It reminded of a scene from The Office where Jim is speaking to the camera after transferring. "When I saw Dwight I started to feel bad about all those pranks I played on him. And then Dwight spoke."

It's the same way with AS. I check my phone all the time, or my Facebook, hoping to see something from her. But when we hang out...she's so demanding, annoying, she doesn't know anything about the real world and she STILL doesn't treat me like just a friend but she won't commit to dating because I'm not good looking enough I guess.

I've been spending some time with BH, the girl who let it spill to her boyfriend that AS and I slept together. Long story short, it got out to the rest of the world and AS watched what was left of her reputation crumble. That was months ago, and the world has moved on. AS didn't lose any friends she hadn't already lost after cheating on TB anyways, but she apparently holds her reputation above all other things. So AS is mad because I hung out with BH, and I didn't call to check up on her when she was sick, and blah blah blah I don't act like I want to be her friend.

If being a friend to you entails acting like your boyfriend, then no, I don't want to be your friend.

Can't Finished What I Started

I decided to try a little experiment this past week. I hung out with AS on Friday, she texted me that night and I didn't text back. I spent the night at L's new apartment, which was pretty fun...the next day was not so fun, I had a caffeine IV going all day consisting of Red Bull and coffee. Sunday, nothing. Monday, I went online to see if she would talk to me first and finally after an hour she did. She asked if I was just going to ignore her and I acted perfectly normal. I asked how her weekend went and she said well I was sick, but you wouldn't know, would you? I guess I wouldn't, but since when was it my job to check up on her? Maybe if we were dating. MAYBE, I would've called her.

So I tried to strike up conversation with her Tuesday and she blew me off. Yesterday I invited her to a movie, and around 2 am she finally got back to me. After I told her who was going she made some excuse about having plans...even though I know she doesn't have other friends to make plans with. Tonight she texted saying she was free, and we talked briefly online...it ended with her saying "I don't know if I want to see you tomorrow Will."

We'll see how this ends.

Fatboy

I finally got the chance to hang out with L again, and check out her new apartment. On Friday night, a friend and I trekked down town. We all headed off to a free school sponsored concert. We only caught the last band, a group by the name of Espionage, they actually were really good, sort of reminded me of MCS. Fast poppy rock with tons of cool synth stuff thrown in for good measure. All in all it was a pretty random nights, I went with my friend to drop off someone's sweatshirt and wound up watching Survivor Man and drinking Grain Belt for an hour, then ate a bunch of McDonalds and fell asleep watching The Office.

I was planning to ask L out, or at least tell her how I felt. I talked to a few friends and asked for advice, and the general consensus is that I need to tell her how I feel, and ask her to choose whether she wants to start dating me, or just stay friends.

Total amount of fast food consumed:
1 Big Mac
23 chicken McNuggets
1/2 Chicken Sandwich from BK

Hence the title of this post.

EDIT: Ooooo 50 posts!

Education

School started this week and I'm already thoroughly sick of it. That's nothing new I guess, but still...I was hoping this year might be different. My classes aren't too bad, Logic might be the lone toughie. I am so ready to get out here and get to UMD already. Living at home wasn't so bad for a semester, but it's really starting to grate on me. I just feel so left out from the whole college experience, which is really just a lot of huge keggers, so maybe staying home is a good thing. I don't have to deal with that temptation while I'm here.

Gah...what to do about L...a week ago I was party hopping with a friend, I was DD. So we get to the first house, and he gets pretty trashed. As we are walking to my car, two cops pull in, one with lights blazing. Possibly the best timing ever on my part. We head over to L's neighbor's house, and we hang out there for awhile watching The Office (which I miss terribly), and my buddy is all over L's friend. Eventually we turn out the lights and L and I wind up spooning on the ground. We start to hear sex noises and eventually L gets up because she feels sick.

While she was outside she told her friend that "I should just start dating Will, I really should"

It's getting old, this happened a month ago at a different party too...I mean is she just drunk or what?

I hate girls.

Letters to the President

Rick Sanchez and Kiran Chetry appear not to expect the answer they got from a Republican college student on a special "College Week" edition of CNN's American Morning. On being asked who she thinks the GOP candidate will be for the 2008 Presidential election, Laura Elizabeth Morales puts her support behind Ron Paul.

read more | digg story

Burn This City

Go see The Bourne Ultimatum.

Also, check this out. It's a pretty amazing in depth analysis of why the Bourne trilogy is the best American film trilogy ever made.

Why the Bourne Trilogy is the Best American Film Trilogy Ever.

Declarations of Faith

I've been feeling God leading me to speak at my church for a long time now, and I think I've been putting off starting work on it for too long now.

I would normally say that it was my idea, something that would be cool to say I've done ("Oh yeah, I preached a sermon at church.") but the idea comes and goes as it will...and it's always strong and completely out of the blue when it hits.

So I thought I might start throwing around ideas online...starting with my testimony.

I was raised in a Christian home. I attended private school starting in first grade. I became a Christian when I was four...I don't think I really knew what it meant at the time, but I knew my parents believed it and that was enough for me, I guess. Bible class and chapel, along with verse memorization and Bible camps in the summer. So it's safe to say I knew the Bible, as well as the basic tenets of the Christian faith, fairly well. When I met my best friend RL in the 3rd grade, it came as somewhat of a shock that he was not a Christian. I don't think the idea of having a belief system other than mine had occurred to me until that moment.

That was probably the start of my initial loss of faith.

I started listening to secular music, and most of what he listened to was not the tamer, more uplifting stuff like The Fray or Anberlin. I didn't too heavily into the hard rock scene, but I did listen to a lot of Limp Bizkit (famous for dropping 142 f-bombs in one song) and Linkin Park, as well as Blink182, who had some of the dirtiest minds in music as revealed on their live album. At the time I didn't even notice my downward spiral because I don't think I had ever had a real connection with God. Sure, I'd come back from camp spiritually energized and ready to take on the world...but once I was actually in the world, even at a sheltered private school, things just got that much harder.

So I went on with my life, and I started to hate going to church, and eventually I started to hate God. I mean, he didn't want me having any fun anyways, right? I was growing up and I wanted to experience life, my own way, and no one was going to tell me otherwise. My parents tried to keep me active at church and youth group, but eventually I think they gave up trying (they never did stop praying for me though) and just let me do my own thing in hopes that God would get through to me.

I was never a really bad kid. I liked to stay out late, I drank occasionally in the later years of high school, and I did some other things I'm not proud of because I was angry that my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to. I never had the best grades, the most friends, much money, or anything like that. I was always just sort of average in every respect. I never skipped school though, and I never stole or got sent to juvy or anything like that but I still wasn't living the way God would want me to.

The summer after I graduated was when things really came to a head. I was going off to college. I had been thinking more about Christianity that summer, and my boss had given me a book called Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith, an excellent book by Rob Bell that I highly recommend. It put a new spin on Christianity, as a faith that isn't just a bunch of rules set down by some old dead guys, it is a way of life, the best way of life, and something that can literally change the world when enough people band together in His name. That was something I felt like I wanted to be a part of, but I wasn't ready yet.

College did not go as planned. I devoted 99% of my time to AS after her breakup, and I ended up failing all my classes first semester. But one important thing did happen: I redevoted my life to following Jesus Christ. She was instrumental in that, more than she knows I think. I had never met someone who was so calmly sure about their faith, while also being entirely rational and open to discussion and criticism about it. Whatever else I think about her, I have the highest regard for her in that aspect. We had talked about it a few times over the summer, and it would come up every few weeks in our phone conversations. She never pushed me, only asked where I stood. I think she understood the idea of faith being a beginning, not an end, better than almost anyone I knew.

Christianity isn't something that happens and then is over and done with, a way to get into Heaven and nothing more. It's a living breathing organism. The Church isn't a building, it's people. We are constantly showing people who Jesus is. That is my goal as a Christian, not to convert tons of people, give 10% to the church, or give all my time and energy to mission work.

My goal as a Christian is to be Jesus, to as many people and as often as I can. Whether that's listening to someone discuss their problems on the phone, or covering a shift at work without complaint, or watching a neighbor's kids for free, or tutoring someone at school, it doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you do it like Jesus would do it.

And that's where I stand now. I'm not an expert by any means, but I'm ready and willing to learn and I'm excited for the journey I'm just beginning.

Sitting, Wishing. Waiting

Reasons for abstinence.

Good for them!

Feeling Good

I'm working on writing up my testimony, it's going to be a small part of something bigger that I have planned. We'll see how it all turns out.

So I went to this birthday party for an old friend of mine this past Saturday. I'm trying to quit drinking but as soon as it was offered I just couldn't say no. How often do you get trashed for free, right? So my new goal now is one year sober. I'll be in 21 in about a year and a half, but I think if I can make one year then I deserve a drink or two, right?


Right?


Wrong, I suppose. The Bible clearly states that one must obey those in authority over you (i.e. the government) so it's 21 or bust!

Underclass Hero

AS is gone again in CA, for another three weeks. By the time she gets back I'll have started school, and the world will have moved on. I've been thinking a lot about her and I already miss her. We fooled around a few times this past week, and for once I think we both enjoyed it without any regrets. We had a couple really fun nights hanging out and watching movies, as well as climbing the local middle school with some friends. I still hate being treated like a boyfriend when I'm not, I tend to get defensive when she acts too girlfriend-ish. Example: on Thursday night, I made plans to hang out with LW and AS flipped out and went into her whole "you don't wanna hang out with me, wah wah wah" speech. It's just annoying because we didn't even have plans.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he said that he is his gf's only friend right now.

That's how I feel.

I failed miserably on my promise to quit drinking, but I'm trying hard not to do it as much as last summer and in that I think I succeeded at least. Deleted all my porn today too...it's really a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've been looking at that stuff since...6th grade? Now to just get rid of it seems weird. It's hard to change who you are, even if you really believe in what you're doing.

Hey, Don't Stop

ER had her Hawaiian party last week, the day after I got back from Boston. The night I got back I spent some time with AS, and found myself more frustrated than ever by her childishness (is that a word? See the previous post for more on that night) So ER has her party, AS shows up and I'm already totally trashed. I had talked to her and said that I was going to try and stop drinking after Boston, but things changed when we got in a huge fight after we saw each other. Obviously we hooked up that night, and we were talking about why I was so angry with her. She dropped a huge bomb when she said that she got a job this fall. It's not much, but it is something. That was one of my hugest problems with her, and now that it's solved I don't really know what to do anymore...I mean there's not much holding me back from wanting her anymore.

Oh and she finally gave me head. Man that was awesome, and about flippin time too.

Last Chance to Lose Your Keys

I am so sick and tired of women. Why do they all have to be such stupid whores? I went to one of AS's friend's tonight, and basically listened to three girls talk about men for 2 hours. AS must've hooked up with some guy in CA, because her friend made some awkward comment about it. I guess I was hoping for better, but oh well, I'll need to lower my expectations even more than I already have. She's still exactly the sme as she was when I left her. Boston was amazing for getting over her, but I honestly didn't realize how over her I was until tonight.

Meanwhile, her friend couldn't stop talking about how many guys she's slept with. Just name dropping all night long. The most ridiculous comment she made was when she claimed she'd been with two brothers who both broke Magnum condoms. Biggest load of crap I'd ever heard. I don't think I've ever heard a girl brag about not being a virgin before...

It's girls like you that make me think I'm better off home on a Saturday night.

Music When The Lights Go Out

I'm typing this the correct way so it will take a really long time, but I need to learn how to type like this if I want to keep up. So here goes!

Be still my beating heart. I love Boston, this city is incredible. I can't wait until I'm out of college so I can travel more. I've seen nearly the entire city since I got here almost two weeks ago, and there is so much cool stuff to see and do. The entire city is full of history. Yesterday we went to an awesome club called TT and the Bears. There were some really awesome bands, including one featuring two of Joe Perry's kids, and this crazy indie noise band. Tab just absolutely rocked the crap out of a couple cover songs.

Tonight we had awesome seafood from a place called Legal Seafood, played some cards in Davis Square, and listened to an informative lecture about how women in the workplace are actually transvestites, provided by a lovely homeless person. He just kept going and going, repeating the same three or four things over and over again.

"Hey, you bought your own cigarettes baby!"

"Look how far we've come for women's rights."

"Women in the workplace today are all transvestites!"

"You can wear a dress to work if you have a dick!"

Etc, etc. Good stuff, really intelligent.

Weird Divide

There are some verrrry strange people in Boston. Among them:

Multiple drunk homeless people who either danced or asked for cigs from everybody in Davis Square.

A lady who sings to herself and believes bureaucracy is somehow related to An Inconvenient Truth.

Italian restaurant owners who threaten to kill people for insulting their mothers.

Crazy looking dudes with long dreadlocks who wear the same clothes and don't even look where they're walking...I have no idea how this dude sees.

All in all it's an amazing city though, there is tons of fun stuff to do but a lot of it (thankfully) involves food. So far we've hit two Irish pubs, a subway place, a pizzeria, a burrito place similar to Chipotle, and then we're also going to go to Legal Seafoods, which is apparently the best seafood in Boston. Good stuff!

Tiny Vessels

I love this city. Last night we all drank ourselves silly and discussed women troubles, SO and I beat Gears on Hardcore, which is no easy feat sober, and then we all passed out around 3 or so. I got the Deathly Hallows leak a few days ago and have been reading feverishly ever since, and finally finished at 4 this morning. I should probably reread the last couple hundred pages or so, since I was still tipsy when I finished.

Overall it was pretty disappointing. All the humor was gone, which I guess was necessary given the subject matter and dark tone of this final book. The characters just didn't feel the same though...it felt like someone other than Rowling had tried and failed to write the last chapter.

I haven't missed AS so far on this trip, as much as I did last night. I'm so glad she wasn't online when I went on last night...I got on Facebook around 4 and she had been on at about 3:30...she needs to know that if she wants to be friends then that's what we're going to be. I'm not talking to anyone else back home, and the same goes for her.

Smart Went Crazy

Haha oh my gosh, the funniest thing happened today. RL, S and I were out walking around Boston in the rain, looking for scenes from The Departed, when we ran into this lady walking around singing. She was absolutely crazy. We talked to her for like 15 minutes about basically everything...Lifetime tv for women, An Inconvenient Truth, what books she'd read, what books she hadn't read, bureaucracy...the list goes on. Then she followed us for like 10 minutes while singing a song. Amazing.

Devastation and Reform

This is it guys. I'm finally in Boston. I haven't talked to AS since...Monday. I miss her, but at the same time it's nice to have a break from everyone for a couple weeks. I finished the entire Gunslinger on the way here, which only leaves Drawing of the Three to read on the way home. Oh well, I'll make it work.

Yesterday, we all drank some Guiness and watched The Departed, great movie. RL and I had a big talk about religion and the fact that if anybody really believed in God, they should just never sin. While he was quick to admit that it's all in theory and that nobody really could be perfect, a lot of things are under our control. Things like drinking. Pornography. Speeding. Swearing. And he's made a good point. So, after this trip, I am done drinking. For as long as I possibly can, I'm done drinking. Same with porn, which I have struggled with forever...I'll delete it all the second I get home.

Lord, be my strength.

Every New Day

Ah! I'm sorry I haven't posted! I have no excuses either!

Hopefully the new additions to the blog will make up for it:

I've added a a bunch of links to some places on the web that I find useful. I'm jumping on board the web 2.0 bandwagon.

Babelgum: Babelgum is a free limited-beta program that you can use to watch streaming TV anywhere, anytime.

Break: Break.com features some of the funniest, most insane videos you'll find anywhere on the web.

del.icio.us: Store all your bookmarks in one place that you can access from anywhere in the world.

Digg: User submitted content is voted up (dugg) or down (buried). Some of the most interesting stories on the internet reside here.

Joost: See Babelgum, except it's not open to everyone. You need an invite for this one. (See my last post)

LA Pop Art: These guys create posters using nothing but words. Their most famous are the movie posters. Using the scripts of Scarface, Reservoir Dogs, etc, they have created incredible works of art.

Last.fm: Free internet radio, builds stations for you based on what you listen to in iTunes and what you input online.

Meebo: IM anywhere, anytime, from the internet. Supports AIM, Yahoo!, ICQ, as well as several other clients.

Netvibes: Where I start my day. Rearrange the start page by adding widgets to your interests. Check your email, the weather, and access your bookmarks, all from one place.

Newgrounds: The original flash portal on the web, Newgrounds hosts many of the best animated series and time-wasting games around.

Penny Arcade: One of the most hilarious and original webcomics out there.

Photobucket: Free photo hosting.

Pownce: A file-sharing, IM, and event planner all rolled into one. Share video, photos, and other files with friends.

The Dark Tower: Stephen King's masterpiece and a personal favorite of mine. Your one stop resource.

Threadless: Members submit t-shirt designs, which are then voted on. The best get printed. Some silly stuff, some more serious, as well as some incredibly original and talented designs.

You're Ever So Inviting

This is a community invitation project going on over at Digg, thought I'd blog it here and see if I get any hits. If you haven't heard of Joost it's a free WebTV application that lets you watch TV online, anywhere, anytime. However, it's in closed beta right now, similar to how Gmail was until recently. If you have invite, send one my way or to somebody else in need over at Digg. If you need one, post your email address here or in the thread over at Digg and hopefully you'll get one!

read more | digg story

Wasting Time

Gah, I hate stuff like this. She always does this.

I got out of class early, called her first, regretted it right away and started calling other people to hang out. Got a hold of L and decided to go over there and just hang out, which was really fun. I wasn't hungry but if I was, I could've basically eaten her whole kitchen cuz she kept offering me stuff. We were watching South Park and this super creepy documentary on baby snatchers when AS called. She wanted me to leave L's early so we could watch Snatch. Mistake one: I said yes. I left around 9:10, when I could've waited until at least 9:45 and spent more time with L which is sort of what I've been trying to do all summer, the no car thing is not helping though.

Mistake two: I let her start talking to my sister. They talk for like 20 minutes, then we get to the living room and she starts talking to my mom...more time wasted. Then my neighbor shows up and they start talking. We get halfway through the movie and she says she has to go.

I left the girl I like early, to see a girl I don't like, to watch a movie that we didn't even fucking watch.

What the hell am I thinking? Why didn't I just say no when she called earlier?

Wincing The Night Away

In the past month, 3 people, including myself, have gotten DUIs. Talk about a bad streak of luck...all last summer with no problems, and I definitely shouldn't have been driving a couple of those nights, and now this in just one month. They're definitely cracking down hard.

I got a call from TB at 7:15 this morning and went to go pick him up from the sheriff's office. We went out to breakfast and had a long, very interesting chat about AS. It was funny because when I first met her I took her side on just about everything because I fell for her so hard. After spending so much time with her over the past 10-odd months, I can see why he left her and I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner than it did. She was basically dating another guy for the first couple months of their relationship, and he's a total creepo too. She had phone sex with him and she was always flirting with other guys. She talked on the phone for hours with her friends and made out with her (2nd) cousin...which is still ridiculous, they're blood related ffs.

Anyways, I'm rambling but I guess the point is I had a great time last night, went downtown with her and saw some friends, and she looked absolutely beautiful as usual. I'm just glad nothing happened.

You Can't Be Missed if You Never Go Away

Extremely busy with work and school lately, sorry about the lack of posting. Went to a huge party this weekend and I may have hooked up with someone but I blacked out so I don't remember...must remember not to drink so much next time.

I'm happy to report that I haven't seen AS since Thursday. She called this morning and wanted to talk because she couldn't sleep and hadn't seen me all weekend, but I was too tired so I blew her off. I may be going to Boston in a couple weeks and living in a friend's apartment while he's out of town. If I do I'll be there for all of July. She's pretty upset about that I think, because she might be in LA through mid-August so we won't see each other for a really long time. Honestly, I'll miss her but not like she'll miss me.

I love being over it.

Dear Valentine

Well I guess she didn't mean any of what she wrote, or any of the stuff she's been saying about him for the past month or so. What am I supposed to do? I don't think I'm in love with her any more...L coming home has really changed my expectations in a girl and made me realize that I can hope for something better, and that it's really not that hard to find.

All those things I said to AS though...I meant them, I really did. I've never felt this way about anyone before, but I can't see us working together. I'd be too pissed, and I don't care about half the things that bother her intensely. For example, she yelled at me for throwing bottles into the woods. Ok, I'm not one to dump trash on the ground intentionally but I'm also not going to lose sleep over throwing a few bottles into a forest, it was fun, I was a little pissed off at the time so it felt good. Lots of things like that are what bother her. And those kinds of things are stuff that I could care less about. L is just simple...more my type.

I just want a resolution. I want her to start dating someone, or I want L to make a clear move to show she's interested. Or I want us to be together, kind of...things would have to change.

I Don't Love You

Shitty, shitty week.

Thursday: court went badly. I got convicted, so now I have a minor on my record. My insurance goes up 100-200 bucks a month, I have to do some community service and some lame DUI programs. If I get caught with alcohol in the next month I go to jail for the next 30 days.

Friday: My parents find my case of beer and liter of vodka in my room. Chaos ensues. I head to a nearby park with RL and S and drink 15 shots of rum to self medicate. I don't remember about half that night. It was fun though. :D

Saturday: I head over to AS's house with a bunch of friends to play some videogames and try and relax after Thursday and Friday, everyone but me left around 1:30 and I wound up going down on her for like an hour. That's the first time we've ever done that sober...

Today: I go to work all day and I'm still pumped for the party tonight, but when I got home I hopped online for the first time in a few days...I read a couple surveys she filled out. She yearns to be with him in LA. She didn't believe in love at first sight until she met him. She wants him to be the one. I knew I would fucking regret hooking up last night but for the first time last night she didn't say she felt guilty, and I wasn't upset. And now I regret it, after reading those. Fuck it, I'm done with her. I'm going after L, she's been calling me a lot lately and all my friends like her too.

Oh, It Is Love

The last week has been pretty insane. After that conversation I had with AS she had a complete meltdown and started drinking the next day, by herself. We were supposed to go to a friend's house after work and watch a movie but instead we went back to my house and hooked up. I told her that I lied about everything, that I still liked her and wanted her...but I guess the question is do I really? Two nights later I got my sister drunk with her, and the same thing happened. I promised her earlier in the day that I wouldn't do anything, but the way she talked, she was practically begging me to get on her. So that's that, I don't think I've ever got so much action in such a short time in my life.

I still don't really know what to do about her...after I told her I wasn't interested, I felt so free. I mean I felt like crap because I knew how much it upset her, and we are still friends, so I don't like making her mad or whatever, but I've certainly been done sugarcoating things for awhile now. She told me too that she felt relieved when I told her that, because she doesn't want me to hurt.

Too bad her sister isn't a year or two older, because I would totally hit that.

I Want to Save You

I talked to AS last night for a long time and I told her that I'm not interested in dating her any more. She asked me if she called tomorrow and said she was ready, what would I say? The answer is that I have no idea. There are so many things that are frustrating about her...she can be such a hypocrite, she always shifts blame on to other people, she's weak and needs other people to do things for her, she has no work ethic...on the other hand...

I love her laugh, her eyes, her smile, the way she talks, the level of class she shows on a daily basis, her belief in God, her artistic talent, her beautiful body, her ability to hold a conversation for hours, her understanding nature, her need of me, her taste in movies, her family, her house, the way her hair smells, the way her hand feels in mine, the way my heart stops when we kiss, discussing Lost with her, talking on the phone with her, the way she says I love, her random texts, her plans for the future, how time goes twice as fast around her and most of all I love that she is my best friend.

What's a Boy to do?

Luckie Street

I had an interesting night.

I've been talking back and forth with a buddy of mine for awhile about maybe jamming with him, and that sort of coincided with another idea I've been kicking around for a long time, which was putting together a cover band and having an awesome party at my house sometime this summer. (Fingers crossed, that could still happen) So I head over there tonight and we played for awhile, a lot of people were there at first but then almost everybody bailed. Pretty soon it was me, my friend, and one of his friends who turned out to be pretty cool. He had a lot of cool stuff to say, a lot of it was high school drama crap but then it sort of turned to just a general discussion about life. We covered just about everything from alcohol, to girls, to karma, to making money, you name it and we probably spent at least some time talking about it.

The main thing that really hit me hard though was his advice on playing to your talents. He said something along the lines of "I'm not good at playing keyboard. I like it, but I'm not good at it. I know when I'm beat." It made me wonder, what am I really good at? In my opinion, I'm not really that talented at anything. I can play some guitar, I know a little bit of photoshop, I sketch or draw occasionally, I'm not terribly out of shape but I'm not ripped either, I'm not a player but I'm not a total nerd either, my grades are pretty average and I don't really try that hard.

I'm just trying to figure out where I stand in life I guess, as far as who I am. What do I want to be? Do I want to have all those skills I listed above, and do I even have the capacity to obtain them? Why haven't I tried harder previously in life, so I could be fluent in a language by now and starting on my second, or been more well read, or a better guitar player, or have more money in the bank? Honestly, why didn't I figure all this out back in high school? I could be so much better off now if I had just put forth more effort back then.

I need a better work ethic or something, but I'm not sure how to go about getting one I guess. Life seems like the same old cycle all the time, I work, hang out with friends, sleep, then work some more. I never have time to accomplish anything new, but maybe it's just that I'm not using my time efficiently enough. Who knows?

Trailer Trash

Ever nip out from a movie trailer? Yeah me too, at the new Transformers one. Go check it out on Yahoo! movies.


NOW.

My Favorite Accident

So I had court this morning. It did not go as well as planned. I was hoping for a year's probation, but no such luck. We meet there again next week to cross examine the cop, and hopefully strike a better deal. If that doesn't work out, it goes to a full jury trial in 3 weeks.

Finally got to spend some time to spend with AS, it's been a long time since I'd seen. We pretty much hung out here all day, went to grab some food, watched some Firefly and some more OC. Good stuff all around. So frustrating, she was wearing a skirt today and I just kept wanting to run my hands up her legs...I hate that, I never have had that problem with other girls. Maybe it's because we've actually done stuff before, I don't know...

I have one final left before my first year of college is over. All in all it was sort of a failure. I got a D in English so that won't transfer to UMD, so I'll be coming out of my first year with about 21 credits. Pretty terrible, all things considered. I don't know if I'm just ADD or what, but I have such a hard time putting any effort into school and it seems to come so naturally to some people.

Also, if you haven't already, check these movies out: Children of Men, Smokin' Aces, Pan's Labyrinth. All amazing movies in different ways, all worth your time.

All On Black

Ok yeah, I over reacted. I forgot she had stayed up 'til like 7 AM because of her Adderall and was going on 3 hours of sleep. She passed out around 8:30 and slept for about 13 hours. Silly me.

Tomorrow is her big modeling convention thingy, fingers crossed that all goes well!

I have court Monday. That should be fun. If we get the best possible outcome, I'll go on probation for a year or so, and then the case gets thrown out as long as I'm a good little Boy.

Meanwhile my friends are slowly starting to trickle back from college, I can't wait to see S, R, and N tomorrow night. I miss my old friends so much, and summer is so close I can taste it. I can't wait!

Wake Up Call

She always calls after Lost is on...what's going on? I hope she's ok. Sober would be nice too, but I'll take ok.

I Am The Movie

Today was an absolute blast. I turned my phone off last night, drew the curtains, and set my alarm for 1:30. I finished Azkaban last night and I'm going to start Goblet soon, only 2 months until Deathly Hallows is out! AS called around 3:30 and wanted to come over and drop off a plant for my mom. She backed into my car about a week ago and my parents decided not to do anything about it. It seems totally fair to me, it's not going to be any more valuable if we did fix it and it's just a door. So her mom asked my mom what she wanted and she came up with a plant. :D

We were going to see Spiderman with a friend but decided not to, I don't really feel like paying $8.50 for a movie I've heard mostly negative things about. So instead we had dinner with my family, played some Goldeneye, and watched Heroes. After Heroes was over we finally got around to watching Children of Men, which is an absolutely amazing movie. We snuggled up on the couch and then decided to watch the latest Desperate Housewives. After our TV marathon was done we just talked about life, TB, and her modeling thing that's coming up. I enjoy her company so much, there are so many girls I can't stand just sitting and talking to for hours on end but she is definitely not one of them. I honestly can see myself spending and enjoying the rest of my life with her.

Basically the overall point here is that we are huge nerds who do nothing but watch TV and play videogames.

Earth To Bella (Part 1)

Nothing much to report lately. School rushes quickly towards its end, and I have so much homework and studying to do in the next week or so, it's insane. AS and I are much the same as usual, better than usual, that is. Work still sucks, but at least I have less hours next week. Anyways, I gotta be up in like 5 hours for church, so that sucks.

Penny Arcade remains hilarious, as usual. The podcast is excellent, I highly recommend it.

When the Music's Over

Here's a smattering of what I've been listening to lately:

Anberlin - Cities
Incubus - Light Grenades
Mute Math
+44
Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
Muse - Black Holes & Revelations, Absolution
The Black Keys
The Decemberists - Picaresque
The Strokes
Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
Relient K - 5 Score and 7 Years Ago
Five Iron Frenzy
Underoath - They're Only Chasing Safety
Dispatch
Radiohead
Switchfoot
Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
Paramore
Lily Allen
Silversun Pickups - Carnavas
Modest Mouse - The Moon & Antarctica, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank

I Want to Love You Madly

So we hooked up again.

I had this huge talk with M or whatever, and it made me upset and so resolute, but all that just melts when I see her. I don't want to be away from her, I want to be with her always. I don't want to be over her, I want to be in love with her. We had this huge talk in my kitchen for like an hour, and then we moved into the living room to start watching the OC. (Season 3, one more to go!) After awhile I stopped it and apologized, and that I wanted to go back to being nice and friends again, so she layed down and we started spooning. I began rubbing her tummy, slowly working my way down...and things just kinda went from there.

Since then she's been understandably pissed, I've been so moody lately and indecisive about her. One day I want her, the next I don't. I finally made up my mind. Despite everything M said, despite every piece of advice I've gotten from my other friends: I love this girl. I want to be with her, forever. I want her to be mine. And that's all there is to it.

I want to love her madly.

Drive All Night

So the punishment for the minor finally got handed down. Even if I somehow don't get convicted for the minor, I still can't drive: indefinitely. If I get the full brunt of it I'll be uninsured by State Farm for three years, but since I live with my parents they'll still have to pay for insurance through Progressive. $400 dollars a month. Hopefully the fact that I'm in school, have decent grades, a job, and that this is a first time offense will bring it down to community service, but either way, I lose. There goes my whole summer.

I finally got the chance to hang out with M last night, we've been trying to set something up for almost 2 weeks now. We grabbed some food and scaled his girlfriend's church. Talk inevitably turned to AS and we had a pretty serious heart-to-heart about the whole thing. Despite TB and I being friends for so long, we really didn't hang out that much so M knew a lot more about his relationship with AS than I did. He said he thought I was being played and that I should get out. I got so close to AS to heal her, and now she's over TB. Time for her to learn to depend on herself. She has to figure it out that I won't be there for her all the time, she needs to learn to do things for herself. So actually this works out alright, I can't drive anywhere anyways so I won't be spending nearly as much time with her.

I can't date her until she changes, no matter how much I want to be with her. So that's that.

Cool and Unusual Punishment

I finally told my dad about the minor tonight. I spent today on the phone with various people at my insurance company as well as a DUI lawyer. I will almost definitely not be insured after my court date (mid-May), so that means no visiting R and N. I lose my license for 30 days. I have no idea how I'm going to get to summer session classes, so this really blows. Sucky things is, if I had been either 21, or just 20 minutes later getting home, I would've been fine.

The Irony of Dying on Your Birthday

Interesting week.

I took a trip out to Winona to visit my friends G and E, and to go see the band Cake with them. Awesome show, by the way, they were really good live. I was a bit drunk so I don't remember parts of the show, but what I do remember was fantastic. Afterwards we headed over to a bar for an after party, and I put what little dancing skills I had to use for a few hours. I'm not much for dancing normally, but it actually turned out to be really fun. The best part of the night was by far the search for food. At St. Cloud, most places close at 3 AM, but in Winona it's 2 AM I guess. We called Little Caesar's, Dominoes, and a couple other places I don't remember because I was still drunk at the time, but we finally made it to Hardee's. Seriously, the last time I was there was like 6 years ago, but I remember they had this thing called the Monster burger, which thank God they still had it. I looked down the menu, everything looked so good and then I saw the Monster. 2/3 lb. Bacon. Cheese. Delicious. And a bargain at only $7.49! There were four of us in my car and we somehow managed to blow 30 dollars. We headed back to the rest of the group, who were in this little maintenance cave/hole type thing, really cool place actually. Let me tell you, that was one of the best burgers I've ever had and I'm so thankful we had beer to go with it. C couldn't finish his, but hey, it is a 2/3 lb. burger, so I let it slide.

Saturday morning we woke up, had breakfast and then E and I took off for home. We talked about B on the way back, and I basically came to the conclusion that even though she wants more, it would be unfair of me to pretend like I'm into her just to get over AS. It would be terrible of me to use her like that. Hooking up once is one thing, nothing serious even happened, but pretending to be into someone? I don't think I could ever do that to anyone I consider a friend. So that's that, I'll have to tell her sooner or later I guess but I'm really dreading it.

AS and I hooked up again on Saturday. It's been a long time since we did anything, like 3 months I think. She had her wisdom teeth out and wanted something for the pain. She begged for alcohol so I finally gave some to her, which was a huge mistake. She must have snuck some because I only gave her one shot. We wound up making out on my couch and when we were done I felt more depressed than I have since the last time we slept together. I worked so hard to get over her, and I thought I was making at least a little progress. Even completely sober, I couldn't turn her down. I still want her that bad. God help me, I need to get over this girl. Since then I've been pretending things are ok, but they're definitely not. I'm so lost without her, and I'm lost when I'm with her. I've realized that we're way too different for things to ever work out between us, I think. Maybe. Love is a funny thing.

Today was her birthday. We baked a cake together, played videogames, and watched Heroes. (Which is finally back on! I missed that show so much!) All of that was well and good...but I wanted to kiss her, so badly, all day.

What's a Boy to do?

The End of Heartache

Wow, can't believe this is happening.

My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of the families, students, teachers, and friends who are affected by this tragedy.

It's things like these that make relationship drama seem pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme.

God bless.

Someday You Will Be Loved

Interesting few nights.

I saw B again, for the first time since Stout. We hung out and watched 300, and then an episode of the show Weeds (which I loved, btw) and she put her head on my shoulder...I didn't know what to do. I mean I'm not even into her other than as a friend. I should be, I guess. Lots of common interests plus we did make out the first night we met. Thank the alcohol for that one I think. E thinks we should go out but I just don't feel that spark like I do with AS, and pretending to like B is not healthy/nice for her at all, so that's not the solution.

Probably should just talk to her about it and tell her how I feel, but I am really dreading it. I feel like I may have led her on with that note I left her, but I honestly wasn't really even thinking when I wrote it, I was still drunk and didn't want to leave her with nothing, you know?

AS and I have had a couple fun nights. I took her out to dinner and a movie, we've hung out and watched some OC (finally, I was going into Seth Cohen withdrawal I think) and she actually got her wisdom teeth pulled today. I went over around 9 PM after doing some errands and stuff, watched most of Happy Feet (weird movie, there's like this underlying political agenda beneath the whole thing, very liberal) and some more OC. This is horrible, but she had been texting all night so when she left to brush her teeth I started looking through her phone. I wish to God I wouldn't have because the text's to R were so depressing. All about how sexy and caring and sweet and sensitive he is...that girl will never ever love me the way I love her, and I will always love her the way I do. I need another girl...so badly. Just even someone else to like, to get over AS.

Kill me quick.

Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume Two: The World of No Tomorrow

Once again...sorry for being late. One of the most frustrating things to me is when bloggers or people running a personal website promise updates and then fail to deliver.

When last we left our heroes...

One of them was falling in love.

One was brokenhearted.

Through my first semester I spent more hours than I care to count on the phone with AS. My first month, I racked up a 300 dollar phone bill because we kept talking during the day. I missed class so many times (ended up failing all of them) because we were on the phone til 4 or 5 AM. I went home every weekend to see her. I would seriously estimate that more than half of my waking hours were spent either thinking about her, talking to her, or spending time with her. I mean now I look back and I realize I totally wasted my first semester of college on this girl. I made no friends, didn't do anything, and failed all my classes. But hey, that's life, live and learn.

She's the first and only girl I've ever slept with. We hooked up more times than I care to remember, drunk and sober. Not always sex, but every time we hung out there was usually something. Sex was a huge mistake, probably one of the single biggest ones of my life. She wanted to wait for marriage, and I knew that going into, but I was so drunk...Of course this whole time I'm trying to keep my friendship with TB, and everyone associated with him. All was well and good for awhile but I started to sense that things weren't right towards the end of November. The secret got out. Through lots of complicated fights with some other friends, events (she was practically raped by another one of my friends, a girl too), and situations, and with endless drama, it got out. The next 3 months were some of the lowest of my life. AS was basically my only friend during that time. A few others, but not many. So we had each other, so I thought. Things started to fall apart between us around the end of Christmas break. I began to question what I was doing, screwing around with one of my best friend's exs. I decided I had to get over her. So I started to. We talked about what we were doing, and decided to try and cut back. It worked ok, I guess. We did cut back some on what we were doing.

2nd semester I came home. My parents obviously found out about my grades and hit the roof, I was grounded for a month. I managed to spend some time with her too, but not nearly as much as I had been before. The honeymoon phase ended and I started to notice things I overlooked before, because I was so into her. She's not independent at all, she won't do anything without being forced into it. She hates working. She has no taste in music. She's difficult and hypocritical. When she wants me to do something I don't want to, it's all well and good, but she will never bend for me. So I stopped bending over backwards for her. It's actually been nice, I mean it's not like I'm getting any anymore so I have nothing to be worried about losing.

These last couple weeks have been weird. She left for a month to stay with family, and I just felt so detached from her. It didn't help that she didn't get service so I barely talked to her. My life was so much easier. No 4 AM phone calls, no constant demands to hang out, no whining. It was nice, but at the same time I missed her like crazy. When she finally did come back I was a different person. Colder. More distant.

I've been trying to get over her since then. And it's going alright so far, I mean sometimes I feel so close it's scary and other times I just want to be as far away from her as possible. It's a struggle to find a place where I can be comfortable being her friend, without being more.

Rum is for Drinking, Not for Burning

Sorry to be so late on posting, I had a hell of a weekend though. I've been drinking since I was 17, and I've never gotten caught. There have been tons of close calls, and I've lucked out more times than I care to remember, but my parents/the cops have never actually caught me drinking. Until now. Driving back from my friend J's apartment, I came to a roadblock. Ironically enough, it was caused by another drunk driver. There was a cleanup crew on the road and I attempted to drive between the vehicles...wasn't supposed to do that, apparently. One of the cops pulled up behind me and pulled me over. He asked for my license and insurance (which was expired, awesome) and then had me step out. He did the finger test and then breathalyzed me. .053. That's what I blew. If I was just 2 years older he probably would have sent me home with a warning, but instead I lose my license for 30 days and have to go to court. They towed my car, which cost 160 dollars, and the fine for drinking and driving will be around 300 I'm guessing. Sweet. I'm never drinking and driving again.

Now I just have to make it through this without my parents finding out...

My Violent Heart

I love music so much. All of it. Tonight I got Lily Allen, LCD Soundsystem, Silversun Pickups, and Quietdrive. I spent the evening listening to a mishmash of trip hop, dancetronica, indie rock, and pop punk ballads. All of it was delicious.

Oh and then there's Year Zero. The new Nine Inch Nails. So far it is ridiculously amazing. Trent Reznor is a creative genius.

Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness

Rather uneventful week so far, hence the lack of posts. Thought maybe I'd fill in a bit of the back story on AS and I, so you readers have some idea of who this girl is, why she means so much to me, and of how that came to be.

TB and I had been friends since we were little tykes, about 2 or 3 years old. We met because our families go to the same church, and we grew up together. He is probably my oldest friend. During our junior year of high school, he and AS started dating. I didn't get to know her very well until this past summer, after my senior year of high school. She worked at a store in the same strip mall as me, so we'd get Caribou and stuff sometimes. Also, TB started bringing her to parties at AH's house, so we'd chat then because he'd usually be off lighting things on fire or other manly things. TB and I did talk about her...she had some fidelity issues. She had phone sex with a guy, TB got pissed so she didn't talk to her friend for almost a year, when they talked again they had phone sex again, bad move. She was always telling him how hot she thought different guys were, and he never was interested in anybody but her, so he told her. Around us guys he was normal, commenting on how hot various girls were. That made sort of a problem for them. They never did sleep together, but they did just about everything else, he was the first guy to ever see her naked, etc etc, love love, she planned on getting married to him and all that jazz.

So her cousin comes to visit. Second cousin actually. They stay up all night watching movies, talking and whatnot, and one night they thought it would be funny if they made out. Something to laugh about at the wedding, right? So it happens, and she feels awful about it. TB is leaving for a week, so she tells him about it before he leaves. He went to a party, got super drunk and told everybody what happened even though he said he wouldn't. Then he was gone for a week. When he got, he dumped her. She thought it would be temporary but it really was the end. And so began her downward spiral. I already had feelings for her but obviously would never do anything to act on them while she was with TB, so when they broke up I was there for her. We hung out, watched a bunch of movies, went out to eat, and I was just there to listen to her cry or whatever she needed to do. No problem.

About 3 or 4 days after they broke up, I finally got her drunk. We had been talking about it all summer, it just never worked out. She had a great time, all was well in the world. There were two weeks left in summer and we partied together 4 times. I kissed her once, and we were both drunk so I told her how I felt about her. If we hadn't drank together, I doubt I ever would have told her, and I wish I hadn't, because it would have made life so much more simple. The last time we drank, we hooked up...nothing serious, we made out for a couple hours. We were both ok about it, life went on and nobody knew. She was still in love with him, obviously, so it never crossed my mind to be with her. Also, that would have been super weird to start dating my friend's ex a couple weeks after they broke up. Soon after that last party, we spent a whole night together, and she broke down crying at TB's house. I think that was honestly the lowest point I have ever seen someone sink...it was honestly the most heartwrenching experience since my grandpa passed away a few years ago. We got out of there, and I just held her for a couple hours.

And she kissed me.

When it happened, I felt a jolt go through my body. I have never had that feeling before. My heart skipped 10 beats. I knew right then that she was going to be my girl, that I had to make her mine. The next morning I went off to college.

I'll post Part 2 tomorrow

Lying is the Most Fun a Girl can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

True statement. In the three days she was home, AS already started to break me down again...can't let that happen. I have to stay distant. I need that because otherwise it hurts too bad to be around her. Two nights ago we were watching a movie and I stayed for about 3 hours longer than I wanted to, because she asked me to. I'm done doing that, I had to work the next day and it was hell because I was up so late. So last night I stopped by to drop off the OC and pick up some stuff. (I'm watching her house this whole week while she's away on spring break.) I got some last minute instructions from her parents and then decided to head out to another friend's house. She begged me to stay but I took off anyways, because I wanted to. It felt good to do what I wanted for a change. It's weird, I never used to tell her how I really felt about the way she is, but now I do it all the time. Like I was explaining to her last night, "Either you'll change, and I'll stop ripping on you about it, or you don't change and I get to keep making fun of you. I win either way."

Last night was good, my other friend and I played videogames for a couple hours. We're going to try and have a small gathering at AS' house Thursday night, we'll see how that goes.

B...eh...I don't know what to do. I think she's pretty in to me, she asked me to call her when I have time, but I don't really want to. I hate to sound shallow but as cool as she is...she's not that attractive, and I'm pretty picky when it comes to women. Very male of me, I know, but you ladies out there do it too. It really has to be the whole package when it comes to a girl, which seems to be impossible to find. By whole package I mean looks, sense of humor, good taste in music and movies, polite, confident, and on and on it goes. Maybe I should just lower my standards a bit?

Several Ways to Die Trying

Finally saw AS today, for the first time in 3 weeks...and it wasn't at all like I expected. Over the past few weeks I've grown so distant from her. There are too many turn offs and not enough turn ons for me to ever be involved with I think. She's so self centered, terribly materialistic, and unreasonable, all the time. Everyone is like that some of the time, I just can't deal with it all the time.

She calls to tell me that R saw Jack Black. So what? He's a human being, just like the rest of us, he just happens to be very blessed and has the gift of acting, so people know his name. Big deal, no reason to hyperventilate. But that's exactly what she does. R knows all these celebrities, he wears good jeans, he might be on CSI, blah blah blah I hope all that material stuff makes you happy. I would love you til the day you die, but I can't buy you True Religion jeans so you're not into me. Bullshit.

The whole day she kept telling me how much she missed me, how much she loves me. Then show me. Be different. Show me that you respect my opinions as much as I have tried to respect yours. But she's no different at all. I finally told her about B, and she freaked out. It hurt her, that I didn't tell her right away, and...she was jealous. And I was happy. It felt good to know that now she knows a fraction of the pain I felt every time she hooked up with another random guy that would do nothing for her. Bitter sentiments, I know, but I'm done putting up with it. Time to move on. She had me at hello and she turned me down, her loss.

Then the night comes to an end and my neighbor is drinking, but on a limited supply of alcohol. AS wasn't going to spend the night but she somehow weaseled her way into it, so she could drink. And she kept saying, "Well you introduced me to it!" So what, doesn't mean you have to drink as often as you can and go to such extreme measures to get it. So I convince my friend to give me some of his liquor, not a lot, enough to get my neighbor and her friend done up, and she is all "Can I have some? I just want like two shots." Why, so you can feel good about yourself or something? The whole thing was just pathetic. She kept stealing drinks from one of the girls...it was just one of the lamest things I have ever seen her do.

I'm so over her. All I needed was some time away. (and maybe a random hookup)

Big Girls Don't Cry

Had a long talk with AS last night, about R, and about us. The conversation went something like this:

AS: I know you don't like it when I talk about him. Are you jealous?

Boy: Not really...I'm just saying, be careful.

AS: Ok, ok. You know you're my best friend and I love you more than anything right?

Boy: (uninterested) Mmhmm.

AS: You're mad at me! ...Have these last three weeks been as good as you thought they were? It seems like you've been going out with a lot of your other friends.

Boy: Yeah, it's been nice. I mean I've missed you and all, but it's been great reconnecting with people. I feel like I've really gotten my life in order. And I just...I can't be on call for you, any more. I mean I'm still here, and everything, but I really gave up everything first semester for you. I failed all my classes and didn't really make any friends...so yeah, I just need to focus on getting through school.

AS: (voice breaking) I knew this would happen, you'd leave me.

Boy: Oh come on, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just saying, if you notice a difference, I've just gotten my priorities straight is all.

AS: (Sniffling) Ok...so you still love me? And we can still be close?

Boy: Of course I do. And of course we can.

AS: And you won't forget about me?

Boy: How could I forget about you....you're the first girl I've ever been in love with.

And that was that. I feel so good about my life right now, like things are really on track for me. I really do have my priorities straight. I finally feel like I'm in control of things between AS and I. I'm right with God, I think, after like 5 years. Took forever for Him to get my attention but I finally listened. I stopped buying things so compulsively, and overeating, and I'm starting to lift again and I've been running. Class is going much better so far. I've reconnected with a lot of my old friends like I said. And now I'm just waiting for summer to start, so the adventure can really begin.

I Won't Spend Another Night Alone

One night stands are invariably a much more complicated process than need be. There are rules to those types of things, you just won't find them anywhere on the internet, or your local library. Ask the nearest frat boy, however, and I'm sure he can tell you.

Rule #1: DO spend at least some time getting to know the person you want to hook up with. This makes (guys) look like nicer people, and (girls) like they're not as slutty/horny as they really are.

Rule #2: DO leave your name/number the morning after, if you are actually interested in seeing that person again.

Rule #3: DO NOT, while lying in miscellaneous states of undress, tell the other person you "love them" and you're both "meant for each other."

Rule #4: DO NOT lie to the other person about your relationship status. They will find out somehow if you do, and they will make things painful for you.

And last, but certainly not least: Rule #5: DO NOT assume that your one night fling equals a relationship. Odds are both of you are drunk, if not, you (sir) are a pimp and you (miss) are playing things a bit too easily. It is the alcohol fueling your desires. Nothing else. If, in the morning, you discover feelings exist for the other person, don't tell them then. Wait a couple days. Call them up, ask how things are going and if they'd possibly be interested in a movie, cup of coffee, or similar first date. If not, move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.

I state these rules with confidence because I have been on both the giving, and receiving end, of these types of situations. I think I'm about to be on giving end again, and that sucks. B was a cool girl and everything, but things would never work out. I mean, first off she's two years older than me so she'll be done with school before I'm even a senior. She called me tonight...drunk...saying she wished I was there, and that I was the only one she'd called that night. *sigh* What's a Boy to do?

Finally told AS off...that I can't be available 24/7 any more. I have other friends, I have other things to do in life, and I have to do well in school this semester or I'll end up going nowhere in life. She didn't take it well, but hey, maybe she'll realize what she's missing when it's gone. She still doesn't know about B either...I need it to hurt when she hears. To know what it feels like when that person you want kisses someone else. That's horrible of me, I know...but I don't know how else to get my point across.

Sweat the Battle Before the Battle Sweats You

So AS wound up getting a ticket after leaving Mr. 31 year old's house, we'll call him R. I think they made out, which is just absolutely perfect for her. She needs the attention of random men to feel better about herself. Whatever, not like I care. I'm done sugarcoating things for her.

Finally made things up with T, after about 3 months of not speaking to each other. That definitely has made life better. He's one of my oldest friends, and not worth losing for any girl, much less AS. I picked him up from Augsburg and we chilled at my house for awhile and watched Heat, fantastic movie.

On a better note, see my header up there? That last part, actually, to be more specific. The part about getting some. Mission accomplished. Went to this party over at UW Stout last night, it was pretty boring for the first hour or so, but then I joined a game of quarters and ended up doing alright. I was checking out the music selection, and this girl walks up. Her name is B. We start talking about music, it turns out she loves AFI, The Postal Service and all sorts of other good bands. We started talking about the music industry and selling out, and we both agreed that if you're devoting your life to making music, you might as well make money off it. Turns out she got an AFI tatoo done a week ago, it was pretty cool looking. We decided to play some beer pong and ended up losing by one cup, oh well. I played her some songs on guitar, then we played some Guitar Hero (she's way better than I am) and then she gave me a tour of the house we were at. She said she owned Pi but hadn't seen it, so we decided to watch it together. One thing led to another, and that was that. I had to bail around 4 AM or so to drive E back to the dorms, but overall it was a really good night.

Unsexy update: Oooo...they did make out. And she's happy about it! Even better!

She

Every time she's been drunk, she's hooked up with somebody, whether it's me or someone else. Especially when they're alone.

She is drunk right now with a 31 year old. Should I care, considering how she's thrown my advice back in my face? No. Do I? Yes.

Screw that.

(Début)

So...this is the first. I really wanna give this whole blogging thing a good shot...it's better for getting your secrets down than friends are...most friends can't be trusted. More on that in the future! Welcome, welcome, to my humble abode...my little corner of the internet. I'll try and update at least 3 times a week, if not more, but my life is not that exciting. :)

<3 always.

P. S. - Lost is the best show on TV.